In the middle of this storm

relocating

2010-11-05T20:20:00.001-04:00

Decided to start writing again and moved everything over to a new location:

http://inthemiddleofthisstorm.wordpress.com/

Not that anyone actually reads it...but in case they do, there is where I will be writing from now on...

The fire...

2010-11-05T17:20:00.004-04:00

...it is there. Still. Despite everything. That cosmic, earth-shattering, intoxicating fire. Something as simple as a grazing touch only feeds it...because it was never extinguished needing to be re-lit. It is a smoldering burning underneath it all and it explodes into a beastly inferno with an innocent sideways glance. It is a feeling that each and every human being should be lucky enough to experience...I love it. I can close my eyes and conjure up the sensation of this fire as it pulses through me and it makes me desperately want to let it burn forever and ever.

sigh...

2010-11-04T20:02:00.005-04:00

I stumbled across this blog the other day. To be honest, I was surprised it was still out there in Internet Land. I have been thinking about writing a blog again alot lately, so I guess if honesty is the theme here I should say...I technically deliberately searched to see if this thing was still around. I have been reading the posts from the three-year period I wrote this and the wave of emotions was pretty strong. Last night I was reading and cried. A lot. Stuff about my dad is what was mostly making me sad, but some of the other stuff made me cry too. Apparently crying is sorta my thing now. Awesome for somebody who effing hates to cry. In the three years since my last post, more life has obviously unfolded for me. More than the average human should have to deal with, but hey, an over-abundance of pain, loss and sadness also seems to be my thing (you know, along with the crying).

This past year has been full of highs and lows. I FINALLY graduated from my Master's program. FINALLY. It was an unbelievable feeling and an extremely long time coming. It was mixed with a real personal low that I am not willing to get into here. My summer was...was...blissful. Some of the happiest times I have had in close to ten years, but especially in the last 5. It actually seemed like my eternal string of shitty luck was turning. I had just started to buy into the thought that I could have something so good it would make you cry (good tears, not the crap ones aforementioned) and the universe harshly reminded me not to get carried away with all that silly happiness stuff. And then it happened. The total unraveling of my mind. I have "lost it" in the past. Who hasn't, right? I have had times that I refer to as "breakdowns." Who hasn't, right?? But this August...infamy. For real. It was a darker place than I have ever been...and that includes the horrifying sudden loss of my dad 5 years ago...and it was a darker place than I ever care to go again. It was the closest I EVER want to come to requiring a psychiatric hospitalization. For real. I was completely non-functional. I was unable to complete a simple daily living task like showering. Or brushing my teeth or hair. My traditional stress/depression/anxiety go-to coping mechanism of eating failed to rear its head in the midst of my pit of utter despair. Normally, I would eat my fat ass through a tough time in my life. Not this time. No appetite. It was unsettling...I had no hunger. No thirst. Nada. I felt dead inside. Those in my life at that time practically force fed me food. Weird for a fat Italian broad, right? I know! My second go-to coping mechanism, sleeping, also failed me. There was none of that stuff happening. When this situation was thrust upon me, I didn't sleep for roughly three days...it wasn't until my body shut itself down that I slept. No food. No sleep. So much anxiety that my complete inability to do anything other than pace had me looking worse than the worst self-stimulating Autistic person imaginable. For real. After several days my terrified husband drove me to my doctor for help...which came (against my will) in the form of Xanax. Eventually, with occasional Xanax and weekly therapeutic counseling, I started to function again. Thinking about that time has the sadness pouring out of me...because despite my regained ability to function day-to-day, I relive some version of that darkness each and every day. The year isn't quite over yet and I anticipate more highs and lows...because that is how I roll.

So "finding" this blog has got me thinking. And thinking gets me talking to the people in my life I love the most...because they know me. The real me...(read previous posts and you will see that real me is lost...I always seem to be looking for her...dammit). And so today I was talking to one of my best friends about how I came across the blog and whatnot and he asked to see it. The immediate reaction (OH MY GOD>>>HELL NO) was handled much more gracefully by multiple refusals, even though somewhere inside, I wanted him to read it (why? who the hell knows!! ) Eventually I caved...an sent him the link expecting him to browse a few, tease the shit out of me and move on. And then he didn't do that. And I became mortified. He read EVERY SINGLE post. EVERY ONE. Three years of posts. I begged him to stop as the embarrassment consumed me. These posts were a glimpse into the crazy I didn't want him to see. If other besties asked to read it, it would have been no issue. I wouldn't have blinked. But he is a different story...I don't want him to know the crazy. Can't I just hide that? Keep it locked away so the picture he has of me stays as is? (whatever that is) Don't rock the boat sorta thing if you catch my drift. Suddenly I felt totally vulnerable and exposed. Scared he would read posts and pick things out and read them in a way that would answer some great unanswered questions in his mind and provide the spotlight on my flaws and imperfections...be the x-ray to show everything going in in this psycho head of mine like a ginormous tumor that could spread and consume everything in its reach. So I did what any person would do when feeling backed up against the wall with only vulnerability before them...I lashed out at him. I hit below the belt so that he would feel the same exposure and vulnerability I felt. As soon as spoke my venom, I regretted it. I felt awful and wanted to cry. Luckily I was parting ways with this bff and got in my car to head home and cried. Awesome, because I hate effing crying. What the eff is wrong with me? Why would I want to tear somebody down like that? Especially someone I care so intensely for? Especially him?? This sort of thing is why people don't choose me to be in their life.

Bah Humbug

2007-12-22T08:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what happened to my Christmas spirit. I was really looking forward to the holiday season this year and all of a sudden...bleck. Nothing in particular stole it away...it just left. I have been cranky, frazzled, stressed, exhausted, etc. I haven't wanted to work. I haven't wanted to shop. I haven't wanted jack. What is the deal??

This week was the worst as far as the bah humbugs go and it got topped off with a nice juicy nasty confrontation with one of my employees. Earlier in the week, I got a sarcastic email from her to which I replied with a taste of sarcasm, but laced with professionalism. Then yesterday, I placed a Christmas gift on this employee's desk as a way of thanking her for the hard work she has done this year...and obviously moving on from our email encounter since our history reflects this communication style. 5 minutes later, I went to my mailbox and found a holiday card. It was from this employee with a note that she couldn't accept the gift. I went to her desk and stepped into her den of venom unknowingly. She had such a look of aggression and disgust that it shocked me. It was then that I realized the note inside the holiday card was ridden with sarcasm.

I couldn't believe the things she had the audacity to say to me, her direct supervisor. Here is a taste:

"You're just sooooo fucking important"

"You're just too busy for me"

"I come here to work and don't need anything from you"

"I'm tired of having to gauge your mood when I come to you because you make it clear you are just too busy for me"

"You aren't as accessible as you have made yourself believe you are"

and the kicker:

"I am really disappointed in you"

Unreal. I offered her the opportunity to discuss this in private. I offered her the opportunity to discuss this with my direct supervisor and the director. She declined everything...all while aggressively getting in my face from her chair. When she was done with me, because clearly that was all about control...I left her desk only to be furious with myself for immediately welling up with tears. I used to be this uber bitch that rarely cried...now the tears come at the drop of a hat. And I HATE it.

So I got to dwell on that for the remainder of the day...merry fucking christmas.

Where I'm From...repost from 2 years ago

2007-11-25T18:06:00.000-05:00

I posted this two years ago because I thought it was a cool homework assignment. I just found it recently and felt the need to repost. Hope you enjoy.

Where I'm From

I'm from Italy, Ireland, Poland, England, Scotland, Germany, and maybe more

From the Philly suburbs, Arcadia, and Rosemont,

A tiny complicated woman and a large simple man

From highly educated, decently educated, barely educated folks

Dog lovers and cat haters, good hearts and suspicious minds

I'm from a divided home with an open door

From a small family with big opinions and even bigger mouths

Good friends, bad friends, and no friends

I'm from tattoos, music, art, and comedy

From sarcasm and honesty, conditional and unconditional love

From underrated humor and overrated drama

I'm from mashed potatoes, Thanksgiving meals, ice cream, candy, Doritos, and anything sweet

From August birthdays, major accomplishments and small milestones, sharing communion hosts at Christmas, wearing paper crowns and sparkly tiaras

I'm from celebrating life, skirting death, flirting with disaster, and going down with a fight

New jobs, promotions, being the boss, being in love, moving forward, moving on

I'm from graduating with my mom, watching others be successful and from always pushing myself for more

Finding hope, overcoming the odds, and proving them all wrong

I'm from endless movie quotes and useless knowledge

Irritating impressions and weak obsessions

From "what hump?" and "knights who say knee!"

Laughing with sinners instead of crying with saints

From "it's my boat." and "people who speak in metaphors..."

I'm from "shoveling time!" and silly pointing pictures, "I was there." and "raaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

I'm from the Richichi School of Backup Singers

From the The Best of What's Around, I Will, You Know My Name, and Wonderful Tonight

I'm from Title IV, and fists of strength, pink ribbon unity, and belief in the power within

From growth, evolution, and empowerment of every female

I'm from losing the fear, gaining the respect, and making a difference.

Lost

2007-11-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Somewhere deep inside this shell of a person...I know the real me lurks. I don't know why she got so lost inside along the way and I'm not sure that it is just one thing that got her all turned around.

I know that I don't recognize the face in the mirror...I can see hints of her there...underneath those layers of pain...hidden somewhere in those double chins. I don't recognize the body I see when I look down. There isn't one thing of her there...she is totally gone from there. I know there have been some major things that have happened over the last few years that have irrevocably changed the course of my life...but I didn't think they would derail me totally.

I feel so lost and confused. I feel like everything I want and need is juuuuuust out of reach. I have accumulated such an amazing amount of anxiety over the procrastination I can't extricate myself from that I am fully and completely incapacitated. Fear seems to have become the central feature in my life and instead of propelling me forward to just get past it...I am stuck. I realized today that one of the fears I have right now is that the person he fell in love with is too lost inside and that he just can't summon the effort for a search party because he is so lost himself.

I am tired. Just of everything in general. I am just so over everything.

I am so tired of hearing myself bitch about all this bullshit.

Accomplishment

2007-11-12T09:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I don't cook. It is amazing to watch people's faces when I say this. Older generation people look at me like, "But you don't look like you are starving." Younger generation people give me mixed responses. Some totally understand. Yet others are shocked. I don't really like to cook. Well, at least that is what I have convinced myself.

I grew up in a house where both parents cooked. I figured that whatever skills I lacked, my husband would fill in. No such luck there. He doesn't cook either. He came from a household where his mom cooked. Well, she basically did everything for him while he lived there...cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, made his lunch for work, etc. Lucky for me, my husband didn't expect me to do all those things and lucky for him he didn't expect it because it wouldn't have happened.

Thus far, we either don't eat, order out, go out or just do the minimal food prep/cooking with what is easy and convenient. Sandwiches, soups, microwaveable stuff, noodles, mac-n-cheese kind of stuff. Well, we are out of money so the eating out and ordering out has ceased. In an attempt to be more fiscally responsible, we are trying to food shop and purchase things that will be dinner and last us for a couple meals. Ultimately, this means we need to cook.

I have been trying to mentally prepare myself to do this whole domestic thing for quite a while. I have cooked in the past, but not really anything to the extent of real meal...for example, I used the Campbell's complete dinner kits or Hamburger Helper. Things that don't really require much thought. But last night, I actually made dinner. I cooked a terriyaki pork roast, made mashed potatoes (from potatoes, not boxed or pre-made), corn and string beans. It felt like a huge accomplishment. And it tasted good.

Now I am not saying this is going to be a nightly occurrence, because I still firmly believe that a marriage is a partnership and that my husband should learn to cook minimally as well. But I am still proud of myself and liked that he was so happy to have "real food."

Horndog

2007-11-04T20:23:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think I have the mind of a guy...well, I was voted Most Perverted in college. Nice. Those who know me well and have known me for a while are well aware that I am a horn dog. But that innate feature of my personality coupled with the ascent towards sexual peak I am undoubtedly experiencing is a tricky road to travel. I really love being married...but can't help to think about the good ole college days...sigh.

chaos

2007-10-28T14:27:00.000-04:00

Things in general seem really out of control for me right now. Not like insane chaos that is life-altering. It's just that...well...life how I want it seems to be juuuuuuuust out of my reach. With my house. With school. With my weight. I have been and still am a procrastinator. Last night at my trip to Barnes & Noble (going there lately has been my way of gaining balance when I feel out of whack), I read that sometimes people procrastinate because their perfectionism can be too overwhelming to comprehend, so avoidance kicks in. I think that is what happens with me. I just wish I could fix whatever is broken inside of me that is holding me back from being the real Lisa I know is lost inside somewhere. I miss her.

Ch Ch Ch Chaaanges

2007-10-24T07:50:00.001-04:00

I was reading over some of the posts on here from when I started doing this whole blog thing. I miss the opportunity to get my thoughts out of my head. I already have so much going on in there all the time, I really should be using mechanisms like this to sort through all the muck. I have tons of personal goals to get my shit together. I am tired of living my life in this chaotic, haphazard manner and skirting by. It is time to do this.

And yes, I know I say shit like that all the time. Don't even try to call me out on it, I have already laid myself in front of that line of fire. None of you could be any more critical of myself than I already am. But the clock is ticking. I am going to be 30 in 10 months. Now is the time to grab life by the ovaries and like the GODDESS Nike says, Just Do It.

Brief Summary of goals and other things I would like to accomplish in the next 10 months:

1. Lose 30 pounds by my birthday
2. Get my house organized
3. Host a party
4. Take control of finances
5. Exercise 3-5 times per week
6. Continue to learn Italian
7. Learn to play my guitar
8. Buy a Blackberry or some other PDA to get organized
9. Take an actual vacation
10. Find a way to keep in better touch with family and friends

Like I said, this is just some of the things I want to accomplish. I am so sick of always thinking this stuff and not acting. I am not a freaking child anymore and need to just put up or shut up. I refuse to accept that this lazy, heavy, unmotivated, resentful shut-in is who I am supposed to be as an adult.

Wow

2007-09-05T21:37:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in FOREVER. And I know I always say that. But this time it is true. It would be really easy to say that I haven't felt like posting or that I have been too busy or that I haven't been inspired to post. None of that is true. I couldn't remember my log in or password. DUH.

Overhaul

2007-03-31T14:33:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in ages. Haven't had much to say. However, I will be more diligent about this because the time for change has come.

The Overhaul is about to commence and changes are imminent. More details to come...

Look out world...

too busy...

2006-12-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

...procrastinating to post stuff here...maybe one day soon

Stuff

2006-10-07T21:27:00.000-04:00

Obviously I haven't posted. Things have been crazy. Work is nutso because I am in the middle of training new people...one that started at the end of August, one that started two weeks ago and two more coming at the end of this month. It is a ton of work and difficult to devote the required time for each of them staggered as they are in the start dates. Plus it is quarterly evaluation time and that takes a ton of time.

Things at home have been nutso as well. Husband got hurt at work and subsequently lost his job. Long story. He is trying to get it back so we will see how that goes. As if that wasn't enough stress to deal with, his father was rushed to the hospital because they thought he had a stroke...turns out to be Bell's Palsy. Not that that is more tolerable but hopefully it won't be permanent or last much longer.

On a good note, tomorrow is our 1st Anniversary. I can't believe that a whole year has passed. It seems to have taken forever and yet have flown by. Overall I have to say that I have enjoyed being married. It is definitely no cake walk...takes work and we have both learned a lot about ourselves and each other. It didn't help that we had a hell of year regarding loss...my dad, his great grandmother, my uncle, my grandmother...it didn't seem to end. It was tough but I think the support we had for each other was a testament to our commitment to each other. I feel luck to have someone I truly believe is my balance. Since we aren't the over-the-top, grandiose romantic gesture type couple, we have had a pretty low key anniversary weekend. We spent it together doing regular stuff. We exchanged gifts today. We didn't do the traditional gifts (1st is paper)...I asked for a right hand ring which is stunning.

Kinda hard to see, but here is a close up:

I bought him a 40 inch flat panel TV with a surround sound system. He deserves it after the crap he dealt with over the past year. Can't wait to have it set up for him so he can watch stuff in high def!

Tomorrow is our actual anniversary but we have a wedding to attend. Bummer for our anniversary celebration but hopefully it will be fun. Plus it is my first Jewish wedding so that should be a new and exciting learning experience. I hear that the male guests typically wear yarmulkes...can't wait!

Hmmmfff...

2006-08-31T17:30:00.000-04:00

Haven't had much to say lately. Trying to get some stuff done...work has been busy, house stuff (yes, still), went to see Spamalot again. I'll get back into this eventually.

Spamalot

2006-07-30T20:11:00.000-04:00

My mom bought my brother and I tickets to see Spamalot in NYC in the front row for Christmas gifts. In order to get them, she had to get seats in July even though they were for Christmas. The show was yesterday and since my brother is acting in a show at the Pennsylvania playhouse currently, he was unable to go to the show, so I asked one of my girlfriends to join me and my mom for a day of adventure. We met at my house and drove to the Trenton train station to make the trek up to the city. We got there, took a cab to the theater and waited for the doors to open. I was surprised at the blend of people gathering to see the show. I thought it would be all older people familiar with the Monty Python comedy but there a lot of families there as well as young actors coming for the standing room only tickets to see the show. It felt nice to see the families because I thought my family was the oddball...with all our constant quoting of the Holy Grail movie!

When the doors opened and we got to our seats, we were actually shocked how close we were to the stage and I was certain we would be the unhappy recipients of actor spit throughout the entire show. The show began and from the moment it started to the moment it ended, we laughed hysterically. All the classic stuff was in it...the actors were amazingly funny...and I developed a bt of a crush on Sir Lancelot! I woke up this morning thinking about seeing it again and soon!

After the show, we headed over to the Hard Rock Cafe and grabbed dinner...we ate so much food it was unreal. It was nice because they had a lot of Beatles memorabilia that I could take pictures of. They even had one of Paul McCartney's Hofner bass guitars...my dad's favorite. By the end of th day we were exhausted but had such a great time. If you get the chance to see Spamalot...do it. It is coming to Philly next year...

2006-07-25T20:16:00.000-04:00

Over a month and no new post for me. Haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile to say butmore so than that, I just have had a really super busy month. Lots of stuff to do, parties to attend and participate in, people to bid farewell...etc. I am feeling good overall, really trying to do the workout thing and follow a meal plan, work on the house, get shit done, get shit organized, get my thoughts together on lots of different things. Work is going well and I feel good about it. I have approached someone to be my mentor to help me grow there and find the right road for me. I also have contact my advisor at school to start to work through my leave of absence situation...more posts will come in the upcoming month...

Father's Day

2006-06-18T20:38:00.001-04:00

Today is Father's Day. This day was one that my family always tried to make nice for my dad, even though he couldn't have cared less what we did, as long as we were with him. There were times that we made him breakfast, took him out to breakfast, spent time at Stone Harbor's Point, took him out to dinner and even gave him a ride in a Glider Airplane. I can't recall ever having a bad Father's Day. My dad was one of the most giving and caring men you would ever have met. He was a wonderful father, with an amazing balance of silly and stern. He was smart (even though he didn't think so). He was a truly phenomenal musician with a voice that still makes me calm. You will never find someone who worked harder and more jobs (most times he held at least 2 jobs at once, but usually 3 to 4) for his family to give them whatever little he could. He was a never-ending supporter of his children and had a heart that he wore on his sleeve. He was so much more than I could say here and so much more than I got the chance to know and love.

Instead of spending time with family today I decided that I would rather be alone thinking about my dad. I woke up this morning and visited his grave at the cemetery. It was beautiful weather today and I thought about how he would have liked to been down the shore near the ocean just being with his family. On the drive over, I was scanning the local radio stations and hit 98.1...the oldies station which plays 2 hours of Beatles music every Sunday: Breakfast with the Beatles. The DJ came in right at the end of the Beatles song, When I'm 64. He was talking about Paul McCartney...the bass player for the Beatles and how today was Paul's 64th birthday...one of my dad's favorite musicians and his absolute favorite bass player. What a coincidence I thought...I had thrown on my Beatles Revolver t-shirt this morning, was listening to their music and feeling their connection to my dad. Th DJ played a clip about how Paul McCartney wrote that song when he was 18 and he said he couldn't imagine being 64 then...it was so far off. My thought was, gee, my dad didn't even get 54. There is something to be said about music and the role it plays in life.

I came home and decided to wathc the movie, Big Fish. It is a good tale about a father-son relationship...but more so for me, it is a story about how father's are the mythological beings in our lives that don't seem real until we are old enough to see them as people. And just when I was beginning to understand my dad as the man he was...he was gone. There are so many things that I feel I have missed out on because my dad died...there are so many things that I wish I could remember better about him...and there are so many things that I have in my memories that I treasure now that he is gone. The movie has always touched me emotionally and didn't fail to again today. I cried and cried and cried throughout most of it. It was something I needed to do for me...to help me with the grief that I haven't really been able to confront yet.

Happy Father's Day Dad...I love you and miss you.

on the brink

2006-06-11T21:21:00.000-04:00

it is creeping closer and i am feeling more and more anxiety

it actually represents multiple things and all of them are significant

i am feeling weary from the anxiety that is growing every second as a result of it

i want to just give up on everything and let it take over

how did i get back here?

New Trainer

2006-06-04T20:44:00.000-04:00

Let's just say I am not pleased. He made us do legs on our first session after I said how much I dislike them. He made us do stairs. He made us do lunges. I am not a fan of his. And neither is my cousin, especially since she blacked out and walked into a wall. I am really sore and keep wishing my Bridget to come back. It is going to be a very long summer.

Housewarming

2006-06-04T20:33:00.000-04:00

So I am soooo over my disaster of a house. My friends and family are also soooo over me complaining about my disaster of a house. I can't even begin to think about how over my husband is about this whole house shit. Since going back to my therapist, she has been trying to help me identify which of my many goals I need to prioritize and tackle of my master to-do list. Our last session was immediately following the pregnant comment from someone and even though we talked about how I need to partner up with someone and begin to work on the diet/nutrition/lifestyle change part of losing weight we focused on getting my house stuff done in a timely fashion. She quickly realized that without a goal (i.e. reason to have the house done) I would just procrastinate and not finish. She decided that having a housewarming or open house was just the right plan. She actually made me take out my planner and select a date. My birthday..."a wonderful birthday present for myself." I tried to bargain a later date to give myself my desired procrastinating time, but she wasn't having it. I have to sit down and figure out what needs to get done in each of the rooms of the house in order to have this shindig. I worked on putting together the bookshelf for the Fortress of Solitude room so that our cds and dvds could get out of the boxes and be put away. I started to put away some of the cds but need a few more shelves for the dvds to get put away. I also need to contact the handy man and get him over to the house to hang two mirrors, the range hood and fix our downstairs toilet. I feel good to be plannig but am also getting worried that I won't be able to pull it all off since work is busy and I am behind and need to get stuff done.

Fat enough to look pregnant

2006-06-04T20:17:00.000-04:00

Yep. It happened again...someone asked me if I was pregnant. Unlike last time though, this time the person truly genuinely thought I was pregnant after looking at my stomach. And she was really excited about it. She gasped, clasped her hands together in excitement and exclaimed, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!" When I responded that I was just fat, she didn't even seem embarassed by her remark. Unbelievable. I cannot continue this way...I will absolutely lose my mind. I am going to the gym three times a week but it isn't enough. I know what I have to do and yet somehow I am not motivated to do anything. In my head, I think that I will get up early go to the gym to get in at least 30 minutes but prefably an hour of cardio, come home, get ready for work and then go to work...with three days per week going back to the gym to get in weight training. Day after day I hit snooze instead of getting up. Why can't I find the motivation? I am tired of being this way...I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror and in pictures. Something has to be done. I don't understand how I got to this point in my life...there is so much I need to work on that I am barely crawling out of the hole I created.

Let it begin

2006-05-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

I am now back from my brief vacation in Colorado. I went out to visit with my family there and surprise them. It was my cousin's high school graduation which made me feel particularly old since I remember when she was born. Overall it was a good visit, although my one aunt was severely irritating. It is hard to describe here...but she just is so annoying...lots of repeating herself, unnecessary sharing of personal medical issues, lots of talking without substance, lots of selective disability, just lots of crap that easily gets under my skin. Outside of that, it was a nice visit and being there was really nice. My family's house sits on 35 acres of land in the foothills of the Rockie Mountains. It is beautiful and remote...if it wasn't a busy time due to the graduation and graduation party, it is truly a place that can allow you to relax when on vacation instead of the regular type of vacation that causes more tiredness. It was somewhere that my dad loved and I know it is the only place he really felt relaxed. It was a place that let me feel connected to him on some level and hopefully let me start to grieve.

Finally

2006-05-21T21:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my brother received his degree from DeSales University...finally. He was supposed to graduate last May but due to some academic stumbles, didn't. The classes he needed weren't offered until the spring semester. We didn't really know he was graduating until Friday...that is how he works. Anyway, we drove up for the graduation ceremony which was outside. We got there after he processed in but got to see him receive his degree. I have to admit that the moment was a bit emotional for both me and my mother...and when they called his name, the weather (which had been a bit drizzly mixed in with warm sunshine) went gray and extremely windy. I took it for a sign that my dad was there with us for my brother's big moment. I am really sad that my dad wasn't actually here to see this. Stuff like this is when it is really hard. I have been seeing my therapist again because I am struggling with the fact that I haven't fully grieved the loss of my dad. She told me that I need to give myself permission to just let it out...all of it...just cry. Basically, she told me that I need to deliberately instigate the emotions regarding my dad. It is so simple, yet I know it will help. So far since his death, I have "had so much to do." Stuff just kept getting in the way...but I need to just do it. This weekend helped me start it...first my brother's graduation, then today I saw Rent, which just has been so touching for me since my dad's death. This week is nice and short for me, since I leave Wednesday for Colorado to surprise my aunt and cousin who live out there (another graduation). I am hoping that this emotional release that has begun to trickle will unleash itself in Colorado...where my dad loved to be...where he could truly relax...where I hope I will be able to connect with him now.

Internet Porn and Triflin' Ass Ho's

2006-05-13T11:34:00.000-04:00

So this week I have come to the realization that I like to watch porn. I was bored one day and started surfing the Internet. Now, this is problemmatic because my last computer was ruined by my husband's porn surfing...all sorts of viruses! Ha...I just realized the dual meaning of that...hehehehe! Anyway, this week in my boredom I decided to look at some stuff...really more for educational purposes than anything else. You know me, the eternal learner. So I found a site with all these links in alphabetical order...boggled my mind the sheer volume of porn available on the world wide web. Wednesday after work I was sitting at my computer looking at and got all caught up in it that I was late for my appointment with my trainer at the gym. OOPS! Me being me, I told her why I was late and I found out that it was the firs time she ever heard that as an excuse! Woo Hoo!!

So the point of all this is now I think I have to make a trip to the local "adult store" or whatever because I want to see more and not ruin my computer. It has been on my mind all week and since I have been back to the gym two more times after my late episode...my trainer thinks I am a whack job. We were shooting around in the basketball court yesterday and said that her three favorite words were Triflin', Ass, and Ho and when you put them together it makes for a good time had by all. It made me think when I got home last night that since I have been in this porn arena lately, am I a Triflin' Ass Ho?

Sadness tonight

2006-05-05T22:53:00.000-04:00

Tonight is a sad night. There are just some times that are like that. I stayed late at work to try and get some stuff done that needed it. I had my ipod on the whole time and realized that I miss just listening to music. After work, I came home and ate something for dinner. My husband was out at the bar with his friend. I was home alone and caught James Blunt on tv performing his song "Goodbye My Lover". Yeah, that song makes me cry when I am not having a sad night so I started with the big crocodile tears and couldn't stop. So I chaned the channel. I was ok for a bit until I started surfing channels again and stumbled across that Jennifer Love Hewitt show where she's a medium. Never saw it, have no idea what was going on...and somehow lost control of my emotions. There were all these people that were in a plane crash and she was trying to help them "cross over". It worked and there was so much joy in them when they were crossing, that it made me think of my dad. Even though I am in a really weird spiritual place right now, I believe that whole go to the light thing and have hope that my dad was greated with it and all that joy that I watched on tv tonight. As I was crying, I was thinking about how I still don't feel him around me and it has been 10 months. Other people have had experiences with my dad since he passed away and I haven't. I would do anything to feel him with me and I think that is part of why I have sadness. I just assumed I would feel him and I don't. When my husband came back from the bar, he was a little buzzed and talkative. We were talking about music (always a reminder of my dad) and he put some Smashing Pumpkins on (one of his favs) and got very emotional. Then he said something I was completely unprepared for. He said that sometimes in the mornings on his way into work when he is listening to music, he looks over and my dad is there with him. Not talking...just there. And now I am crying again...there is a giant puddle on the floor., literally. I am floored by this information since he is less spiritual than...in fact, he is an atheist at the time being. I am happy that my dad is there looking out for him, but sad for me since I don't have that. I just don't get it. I have had so much loss this year and feel myself weakening inside and out...I need something to help me get through each day and I don't have it the way I want it...and I am jealous that other people have it...even my own husband.

Progress

2006-04-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been pretty eventful. Friday was my grandmother's funeral so it was fun with the family. Yesterday I was able to accomplish some things for my house which feels really good, even though they are minor. My mom helped me hang up the clock and pictures in my kitchen. Stupid little things, but it feels so good to walk in there and see them up. I also was able to get a curtain for the door in the kitchen...yay. I also got a quartet of Buddha pictures to hang in the hallway branching off my dining room. I also got this cool votive candle thing and just need to get a cool table for there. I alsp unpacked my few pieces of china to display them in my china cabinet. I got this really cool piece from Pier 1 Imports to put in the one corner of my dining room that was kinda empty. It is really a garden thing, but it fits in the dining room with a cool lantern hanging from it. I am happy with the minor progress I have made this weekend.

Rant

2006-04-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I haven't been much in the mood to post anything here. Not that anyone was anxiously awaiting a new post from me, but whatever. I have had too much going on inside my head to even sift through it and write it down here. I am wondering when the hell stuff will settle down for me. I am tired. No, really...I am. In the span of the last 9 months I have bought a house, moved in, got married, burried my father, sold his house, took care of all the shit that goes along with handling his estate, got a new tattoo, buried my uncle, went to grad school, stopped grad school, returned to grad school only to take a leave of absence, still not living in my house the way I want, still not unpacked, worked full time, lost a friend to Texas, losing two more to California, lost one to her husband and kids, feel like I am going to lose another one to her upcoming kid, and the latest installment...burying my grandmother. I have ANOTHER freaking funeral to attend. I cannot take much more of this. Because of all this, I have yet to properly grieve the loss of my father, let alone deal with all the other shit in my life. So I wasn't joking when I said I was tired. I am beat. I have no idea how I even get up from bed every day. Last year was supposed to be my year. The year I took care of myself first...which went down the drain due to losing my dad unexpectedly. Then this year was supposed to take that same direction...fat chance. Literally...fat chance. I am so disgusted with my fat self. I have a close friend who has done an amazing thing and lost 50 pounds. I am so thrilled for her yet the first thing I did when I found out was not congratulate her, but cry for me. Do you believe how selfish of me that was???? She is happy and proud and I cried for me. ME. I am such an asshole...and I am tired...and I just want something for me to work out how I plan it. I have grown weary of life's fun little curveballs and feel that I am not strong enough to take many more thrown at me. I feel so consumed by all this stuff that I don't know if I can crawl out of it...

2006-03-29T20:36:00.000-05:00

Money is the root of all evil...

and it will tear families apart...

even ones who are grieving.

Fernando & Cesar

2006-03-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I traveled to Orlando with a friend. It was a trip I was really looking forward to due to the year's events resulting in a much needed getaway. I was so excited for the trip and so was she. We kept saying "Orlando" like it was Mecca or Medina or something. Soon we would find out that this trip would not be the "Orlando" we had hoped for...it would become "Fernando"...Orlando's cheesy relative!

Our flight left at 7 in the morning on Friday so we were down at the airport by 5 am. Yeah, Philly doesn't look so good that time of the day. Anyway, we get on the flight only to find out that we are sitting directly in front of Robert. Robert was a young child whose mother indulged him and reinforced every little move he made for the entire trip. Oh, and did I mention that she spoke unbelievably loudly? No, well she did. The type of voice volume dying for attention and validation. Very irritating. But back to Robert. Robert so very considerately was just the right eight for his legs to touch the back of my chair and repeatedly kick me. He whined, he cried, he yelled, he tantrummed...the whole nine yards. Across the aisle from Robert and his mother were his father and younger sister Camille. Dad seemed embarrassed by his wife's loudness and son's antics. Camille seemed very sweet and well behaved. And then we were 15 minutes from landing. It was at this point that the captain asked everyone to be seated and when Camille began screaming at the top of her lungs that she had to go to the bathroom. Camille continued to scream for the remainder of the flight...crying, screaming, kicking...the whole nine. During this whole time, her mother now began talking loudly about her daughter...The entire plane was annoyed and ready to kill them. This was the start of "Fernando."

We finally got of the plane and caught a cab to the hotel...located directly across from the entrance to Universal Studios. We were able to check in early and then walked around the hotel grounds and crossed the street to grab lunch at Friday's. It was here that I had my first of many cesar salads this weekend. After lunch we returned to the hotel and sat by the pool. We then began zonking out from the early flight and decided to go upstairs to take a nap. This was then followed by dinner which we ate in the bar downstairs. Saturday we woke up and headed over to Universal Studios. It cost me 67 bucks to go there for one day ="Fernando." Kinda shocked at the expense and don't have a clue how families afford to do it. Anyway, after Robert I thought we were free from the annoyance factor because karma had to be on our side after that nightmare right? Wrong...we had found out Friday night that the national cheerleading competition was this weekend and it was held at Universal Studios. Fun. Our hotel was housing over 1000 cheerleaders...hell on earth for people low on self esteem and tolerance for stupidity="Fernando" strikes again. We grabbed lunch in the park...a slice of pizza and cesar salad number two. Park highlights: the Hulk coaster, Spiderman ride...lots of walking (yeah, cardio) and the lame rides like Twister and Earthquake that caused side splitting laughter and jokes for years. We went back to the hotel and napped because we were exhausted from walking so much at the park. We showered, got dressed and headed back over to Friday's for drinks and dinner because the hotel bar sucked ass and was infested with cheerleaders and their crazy mothers="Fernando."

The wait for dinner was over an hour so we sat at the bar and ate there. Highlights of dinner: Jen being called "darling" by the bartender and when questioned, explained that he was from Mississippi...like that makes it ok; oh, and another cesar salad. We finished up and returned to the room because we were thoroughly pooped out by this point and the cheerleaders and their families were piling in to the restaurant by the dozen="Fernando." Hung out watched tv and talked before drifting off to sleep. Woke up Sunday and grabbed breakfast in the hotel restaurant at the buffet...no cesar salad that early in the day but the rest was pretty decent. Sunday we decided to hang out by the pool. We hung for a while, Jen swam, I read...then we both covered up (both fair skin) and fell asleep. We woke up to the sounds of the pool being overtaken by cheerleaders..."Fernando." I had on gaucho pants and only had my lower legs exposed for about 15 minutes...the left side of my lower legs got burnt="Fernando." We then returned to the room, showered and changed because her boss had arrived and wanted to have dinner and start finalizing things for the next day's conference (the reason we went to Orlando in the first place). We met up with her, her family and her friends helping out with the conference as well (total "Fernando" here...annoying and unruly children) and went over some work related things. We then went to the hotel bar and ate dinner there. You guessed it: Chicken cesar salad! After dinner we went upstairs and did more work related things...had a pretty fun conversation with the boss lady and Jen and then I decided to go to bed because it was super late and still needed to pack up for the next day.

Woke up Monday and got dressed and packed the final stuff. Jen had already gotten up and went down to help out with the conference. Monday consisted of sitting around outside the presentation and waiting. We grabbed lunch...can you guess??? Cesar salad!!! We left around 4:15 pm and caught a cab back to the airport. I was really hoping karma was on our side this time...but no, our plane was filled with the Chestnut Hill Academy boys lacrosse team. Yeah. FERNANDO!!!! And aren't high school boys...especially rich private school ones...just so funny? Especially when they repeat jokes over and over and then each one has to say it to start it off again??? My god I thought I would shoot myself. Then just when they finally quieted down we hit the turbulence...and did for the remainder of the flight. We landed and high-tailed it to baggage claim so we could head home. Baggage claim took forever because we were back in Philly. Then we caught the shuttle to the parking only to find out that somehow Jen's interior light had been left on and her car battery was dead. So then we had to wait for the parking authority to come jump her. Luckily it didn't take very long and we were able to get going... then it took forever to find the exit in the enormous parking lot and then forever to get out because they had two lanes open. Yeah. We got home safe and sound and I immediately went to bed. I was supposed to go to work today but just knew I would be non-functioning if I did. SO I took another vacation day and it was well worth it.

Overall the trip was good. It was good for mental state. Were there things that didn't go great? Absolutely. Were there great times had? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Abso-fucking-lutely...(sorry I have started watching Sex and the City dvds again...and just couldn't resist!)

Sabbatical

2006-03-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a few weeks. Just haven't had much to say I guess. I have been really busy at work, covering vacant positions and training a new employee. I also completed paperwork to withdrawal from my current grad school courses and take an official leave of absence from the program. I have been wrestling with the idea for a while now and as the semester progressed, it really just dawned on me that I wasn't enjoying it and didn't plan to pursue a career in it. Once I handed in the paperwork I immediately felt relieved which reassured me that I had made the right decision.

Found out that one of my closest friends is going to have a baby. Very surreal. Not a surprise, but surreal nonetheless. I am very happy for her and know she will make a great mom. I came home from that visit and shared the good news with my husband who freaked out a bit. Guess he is nervous the baby bug will bite me...not a chance. Found out that another one of my closest friends is moving 3000 miles away this summer. Very surreal. Not so much of a surprise here either. I am happy for her as well...know that she is pursuing something she feels she needs to but I am sad for me. Feeling kinda alone now.

Taking a brief sabbatical ( I have always wanted to be able to say that!) this weekend. I leave early tomorrow morning to accompany a friend to Orlando for the weekend. I am so happy that I am getting a mini vacation I can hardly contain myself. More on that when I return home next week.

WTF???

2006-03-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

Thursday night I stopped by the supermarket after class to pick up something for dinner. Always a bad idea when you are hungry...like typical Lisa, I over shopped for just dinner. Anyway, I am at the register at Genaurdi's paying. There is a bagger and she has gotten everything in bags. I don't know if other market places are required to do this, but Genaurdi's must be because they ask every time if you need help outside. This time was no different. I finished paying and the cashier politely asked me if I needed any help outside. I heard myself answer and then within the next second REALLY heard what I said.

"No, we're fine, thanks."

SERIOUSLY. I said it. WTF??? What kind of sense does that make?? Why would I say that? Where did it come from? As I am thinking about it walking outside, I realized that it wasn't the first time I said that. The last time I was there I said the same thing and mentally beat myself up then too. What is going on? Oh, in case it wasn't clear why I was being all weird about this...I WAS BY MYSELF. There was no "we." Just me. I think I may be losing my mind.

Yellow Man & the Beatles

2006-02-25T08:23:00.000-05:00

My uncle passed away last night. We had found out yesterday that he had taken a turn for the worse and was not expected to last the weekend. Knowing that, we planned to go visit him last night after dinner. My mom went right from work. We just ordered dinner and were about to sit down to watch a movie and wait for our food. I had been famished because my lunch was tiny and unsatisfying and was really looking forward to a decent dinner. As soon as we ordered our food, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I was getting more and more nauseas and was freaked out that I was just so hungry and we ordered food that I might not be able to even look at, let alone eat! At that exact moment, my cell phone rang...my mom. My uncle had just passed and she asked that we come over now instead of after dinner. Cancelled our food, hopped in the car, braved rush hour traffic and got to my uncle's home. The entire ride over was filled with me rocking back and forth due to my sick stomach, opening and closing the window for fresh air and then to reduce the chilliness...we almost had to stop because I thought I was going to be sick.

My mom, her sister, my grandparents, my uncle's wife and kids and a few straggler friends were all there. My mom was so very sad...the kids looked numb...grandparents looked confused. My uncle's wife was sitting with my uncle in the other room and was really sad. As I turned the corner and saw his body, his unbelievably yellow body, my stomach leaped a bit. As I stood there after consoling his widow, I cried. For the second time in 8 months, I was staring at someone I love and respect in their freshly deceased form. It is not an easy image to shake from your mind...I see my dad in the hospital room all the time. I am crying there, thinking all this and more...and I felt my stomach release the nauseas feeling. All of a sudden I was ok because I knew he wasn't there anymore. He wasn't in pain anymore. And I knew my dad was there. It isn't something that I am just saying...you know, like most people say ("He's always with you) and have it be empty. I KNEW he was there...he helped him get through it. I calmed down and found out later last night he passed right when my stomach got sick...I also found out he had asked to hear the Beatles music last night when they were helping him into his newly arrived hospital bed ( Beatles were my dad's fav and a commonly discussed topic between them), and that even though his communication was at an extreme minimum, he was rehashing parts of a story that he told us happened to him right after my dad passed away thinking my dad was there playing tricks on him.

It sucks so bad to watch someone else go through this, knowing the pain and the emotions that come with it. My brother came later and was upset by the casual atmosphere in the house. I tried to explain that our uncle had made peace with his death many many years ago and that those close to him have had time to prepare since he has been sick for several years now. It doesn't make it any easier for me or my brother. We didn't get that chance with our dad.

All I do know is that I am so tired of this sadness in my life. When will it be someone else's turn??

Our House...in the middle of our street...

2006-02-18T09:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was settlement on my dad's house. It is now officially off my plate. I have to say that despite my lack of actual emotional expression during the whole process, by the end of the day, I was so drained that I could barely move. I slept like a log and had a hard time getting up because I was still tired.

I was really nervous about settlement because I wanted to know what the people were like who were moving in. I was worried that I wouldn't like them and couldn't bear the thought of disliking them and selling them the house...the house my dad worked his whole life for and was just fixing up for my wedding...fixing even just hours before he died. The buyers were a young couple relocating back to PA from North Carolina. They brought their 20 month old son with them...too cute and really a mood lightener for me. They were wonderful people, funny, loving and really excited about their first house. They had lots of plans for changes and I felt good signing the house over to them. It felt right. I felt happy that another family could love that house like my family did. That they could grow there like we did. I felt like my dad would have liked them and would have been cracking up over their son and his antics. It just felt right. Not sad or anything. Until now actually...crying like a baby while typing this. It is really bizarre when grief hits you and anyone who has lost someone close understands what I am saying. It comes at the most random, unexpected and sometimes unlikely times.

Anyway, I am relieved that the house is off my plate and that I am another step closer to resolving all the financial stuff for my dad's estate. I am sad that the house is no longer ours. It is the house that both me and my brother grew up in...we moved there when I was two, but I don't remember our other place. It is the house where my husband and I got engaged...in my childhood bedroom. It is the last place I saw my dad alive.

I know that these people will experience a wonderful life there, just like we did.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Good grief is this day over rated or what! What a bunch of hoopla for nothing. Why do I have to show extra special attention and spend extra special money today to show him that I love him? Which Hallmark executive came up with this???? Anyway, my husband (yes, it is getting easier to say) and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. We do cards but that is about it. Frankly I wouldn't care one way or the other if I even got a card. I am not into the big grandiose gestures. I gave him his cards (I usually get one funny, one serious) last night and he got all mad and refused to open them. He said he felt like a jerk...his problem, not mine...for not getting me anything this year. I tried to explain that it didn't matter one bit to me but he wasn't hearing it. See what years of psychological warfare we woman have created has done!!!!!! All those times of saying, "I don't care if you get me anything" and really meaning "You damn well better have got me something...and it better be good" has totally screwed me since I said I didn't want anything this year and REALLY MEANT IT.... But due to the insanity which women have put forth into the universe for the last million trillion years, he didn't believe me. So a brief debate ensued, rolling over from last night into this morning. We discussed the truth in my statement about not wanting anything for Valentine's Day and decided that the best gift he could give me was to completed another thing from our to-do list for the house. Seems like an amicable truce to me so I am cool with it.

On another note, I just want to wish all those who do celebrate their love today in a special way the best Valentine's Day yet...filled with love, kisses...whatever you want. Valentine's Day was never a huge deal in our house, but our parents always gave us cards and a small heart shaped box of chocolates...we always loved seeing what our dad would give our mom. Would it be flowers this year or a super big box of candy? My parents were always telling us how much they loved us...even now. I know some of my friends look at me like I am crazy when I tell my mom that I love her when I end phone conversations with her. Our family always held that you never left angry because of a a cousin who told her father to drop dead in the heat of an argument and stormed out, only to return to find him dead on the floor where she left him...heart attack. That scared the daylights out of us so we always made sure to resolve fights and end interactions with an affirming "I love you." Even though we were lucky to not experience this kind of thing first hand...we did lose my dad unexpectedly. It kills me everyday that I didn't say that I loved him before he walked out the door...that I didn't give him that last bear hug. I will never get that chance and I don't want to ever feel this again or have my husband or family feel it either.

What is most important is that you give and receive love today and remember to share your love with those important to you...you never know when it could be the last time that you told them you loved them. Cherish what you have and make them know you do.

Update

2006-02-13T19:51:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty hectic, surprise surprise. Home has been the same. I am still annoyed that my house is not the way I want it to be. I am slowly but surely getting the office the way I want it. I have a few more boxes to unload, some pictures to hang, the closet to go through. Tonight I got the curtains hung, but damn those IKEA curtains... they are like two or three feet too long!! The dining room should get in order by the end of this month because the chairs are finally coming in. Once they are in, I will get cheap curtain rods and drape something across them and find pictures to hang. Then that room should be done. I think that is the best plan of attack since it seems to be the easiest room to finish.

Stuff with my dad's house is coming to an end. We make settlement this Friday so that should be a huge thing off my plate. Although I still have to complete his 2005 income tax and the inheritance tax information and pay off any other outstanding debt he may still have. Hopefully then I will be finished with that. Biggest issue right now is that I can't find anyone to sell his washer and dryer to...and they have to be out by Friday morning...PROBLEM!

Work has been nuts. My two closest work friends both left between December 30th and January 9th. As a result, I have had to cover their work...not so fun. Especially since the one caseload has gone to complete shit since she left. Today we were supposed to have an employee return to work...she didn't show. After my boss got in from her three hour treacherous commute in the hell that was local roads covered in 15 inches of compacted snow...she got an email from this employee saying she decided not to take the position. The email came at 11:50 last night. WHAT BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say I was livid. I stuck my neck out for this person and she screwed me. How typical...I shouldn't be surprised seeing how that is how it always goes down for me, but it still shocked me. I hope that I don't see this person anytime soon, because I am too mad to even articulate words with her...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Update to The Yellow Man

2006-02-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

I did send an email to my aunt sharing my thoughts. She was surprisingly receptive, considering I thought her natural reaction would be to get angry at me. But she didn't. And it seems like she spoke to her kids about being in the house more because it is likely that my uncle will only be around for a few weeks. It seems like I did the right thing and that it turned out how I would have hoped. If everything was like this...

The Yellow Man

2006-01-31T20:30:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I went to visit with my uncle who is dying of prostate cancer. It was the first time I had seen him since my wedding in October. I literally gasped out loud when he walked in the room. He had lost a bunch of weight...and he was yellow. I was not prepared for that part. I figured he would look thin and that he would look "sick." Not yellow. His skin and the whites of his eyes were the color of a manilla envelope. Apparently this is what happens when your liver begins to fail. His cancer seeped through the colon wall and into his stomach and liver. The liver is failing and no longer can flush out the toxins in his body. He was dying before my own eyes. Even though it was really hard to sit there and visit with him, I felt like I held myself together pretty well. And then my 15 year old cousin called home and asked to stay over her friends house again (she stayed there the night before). My aunt let her and when my uncle questioned her for letting my cousin stay out again, my aunt kinda snapped at him. He said he liked everyone to be in the house and my aunt told him to drop it because my cousin needed to deal with it in her own way. You could see the disappointment in his eyes. It was at that point that I lost it...started crying and couldn't stop. How could you not want to givce your dying husband everything he asked for??? I decided to email my aunt and tell her that I think my cousin will regret not spending every moment she can with her dad. Sure it is easier to get away from the fact that your dad is dying in your house now but later I don't doubt that regret will set in. If I knew that the last time I was with my dad would be the last time, I would have savored every single moment. I don't want my cousin to experience that pain. I just hope I don't cause a problem with my family during this tough time.

Here we go...

2006-01-25T15:27:00.000-05:00

I was online the other day and ran into a guy I used to hang out with in college. One of The Fat Dudes, as we so affectionately called them. We chatted a bit, caught up and he gave me the gossip on the rest of the group of guys. There were a few in particular that I was dying to know about. Luckily, he gave up some good gossip and the long-awaiting new instant messager screen name. Since I have been on myspace lately, I decided to look him up using his IM screen name, hoping it was also his email address. It was! So psyched that after two years we started talking again...it is like we never stopped talking. I love it...we have been emailing back and forth all day and I have not stopped smiling once.

How were you killed?

2006-01-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

I stole this off of a friend's myspace site...pretty funny.

Okay, so here's the deal, find out how you end your life, the google way.
Go to google, type "(your name) was killed by" and see what the end of life holds in store for you.
Remember to use the quotations marks, else it wont work.

Here is mine:

Lisa was killed by "the people of Transylvania after her relationship with Dracula was discovered"

and another one, very relevant considering TomKat:

Lisa was killed by "Scientology"

Try it out and let me know yours!

2006-01-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

I am feeling pretty good about this week. Even though work has been nuts ( we have two vacancies that us supervisors are filling), the week has been pretty positive. I bought new Franklin Covey stuff, I have been working on what I have termed "house stuff" (which is anything that has to do with organizing or cleaning the house), got my dad's house sold, making an effort to be aware of portion size and food intake, etc. Of course I am not where I would ultimately like to be in any of these things, but progess is happening. Plus I found the brand of strawberry white zinfandel that I have been looking for...it is so sweet it tastes like candy tonight and had myself two small glasses. YUM...

Fun little quiz

2006-01-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

http://www.paleothea.com/quiz.html

Which goddess are you??

I was Hera...pretty accurate, except the man-whore part.

2006-01-08T20:21:00.000-05:00

Weekend recap:

Friday night we had dinner and hung out at my sister-in-law's house for a going-away party. Her husband is being deployed overseas AGAIN. This is getting old. He wasn't supposed to go until March but due to some other complications, he found out Wednesday that he was leaving Sunday. Extremely bad timing as they just found out my sister-in-law had a miscarriage. Gotta love the freaking president. Sad night to be a part of, hard night to witness my family grappling with the emotions of saying goodbye with so much uncertainty.

Saturday morning I had a WW meeting and weigh-in. Lost a pound. I was pretty pleased with that information considering it was my first week in the program, I had a hard time adjusting to eating more healthy and I am premenstrual like you wouldn't believe. I was craving salty food all week and did not deprive myself. Went food shopping to pick up some good food choices and the ingredients for the dish I was bringing to my friends house that night. Came home, ate and prepared my dish. Got showered and dressed and hustled over to my friends house for another going-away party. A friend and coworker is moving to Texas and me and two other coworkers/friends made her a scrapbook. We hung out, ate, talked, played board games and gave the scrapbook which made us cry. Another tough night. But VERY fun. and very late...got home around 3 am.

Sunday I woke up and went to the cemetery. Came home, met up with my mom and visited with my grandparents. We went looking for material to make curtains and pillow shams for my bedroom. No luck. Came home and hung the curtain rods for the living room. I wanted the damn curtains hung but couldn't because they are too long. I love Ikea but their curtains are soooooooo freaking long. My mom has to shorten the curtains by 26 inches. Ridiculous. But worth it because I love those damn curtains. As we were hanging the rod, my grandparents showed up because they haven't seen our hosue yet. They stayed for a bit, my mom left and then they left. Now I am just trying to work on more hosue stuff and watching Extreme Home Makeover. I love that show and have already cried like four times tonight. I hate the week before my period...so emotional. Anyway, more to come this week hopefully. I am super busy so we shall see.

This sucks

2006-01-04T20:56:00.000-05:00

I have been living in my house since August 2005. I still have shit in boxes in every room in the house. It drives me nuts. But I can't seem to get it together. I got the furniture I wanted but I still don't have rooms set up the way I want. I have no pictures hung. No decorative features anywhere. It blows. I hate going to friends house and seeing that their places look like homes. I hate it. I get so jealous I can barely stand it. I just want it to be done. All of it. Right now. I know it isn't possible or feasible but I want it anyway.

Reflection: The Year of Lisa

2005-12-31T21:44:00.000-05:00

2005 is about to end and I feel it necessary to reflect back on the year, just as most people tend to do on New Year's Eve. Every year I find the time to take a look back over the past year and think about what happened, how I changed, what didn't happen, accomplishments, areas for improvement...the whole nine yards. Despite trying to avoid making the dreaded "resolution" or two or three, I typically set goals (knowing damn well that they are just resolutions named goals) for the year hoping to better myself and grow as a person.

This time last year, I posted about how I wasn't making goals or resolutions but I was just going to wake up everyday and choose to be happy. Looking back on 2005, I think I did a pretty good job of that. I had so much on my plate that the stress and anxiety levels could easily swallow me any minute, but I still can honestly say I tried everyday to be happy for me. The beginning of the year was met with tons of nervous anticipation about the upcoming wedding. I couldn't believe that the year of my wedding was FINALLY here that I got really nervous about it and of course stressed out big time. I had most of the planning done but still had stuff to do. The year progressed with graduate school classes, full time work, planning the wedding and house hunting.

Throughout the end of winter, spring and beginning of summer, I think that I was just so freaking busy with all the things on my plate that little else could occupy my mind. I literally didn't have the time to get sad, depressed, unreasonably stressed, whatever. I was seeing a counselor/life coach and that was enabling me to develop and implement tools to help me cope more effectively with my life and my tendency to stress out. I started working out with a personal trainer in order to get me ready for my wedding. No diet or weight loss plan, but I did lose inches which was nice. Things were moving along swimmingly and I started to titrate my counseling sessions. My fiance and I bought a house and were preparing to move. Things were beginning to fall into place as I dreamed they would. And then my life took a very unexpected turn.

On July 4th, my father passed away very unexpectedly. No one had a chance to say goodbye. He was just gone. I could never have been prepared for the unbelievable sense of loss. After that, things that used to stress me out didn't seem as important. Loss like that put things into perspective for me. Iam sure that this won't make sense to most people, but losing my dad has left me feeling very vulnerable. Even though I was engaged and about to be married, when a little girl loses her father, especially when they are close...it is just scary. You don't have that protective barrier sheilding you from the unknown and scary world anymore and it just sucks. It was three months before my wedding. Needless to say, those three months were some of the most difficult times I have ever experienced or hope to. Just over a week after my father's death, my fiance and I made settlement on our first house. Naturally a stressful event, but also a very exciting one...the day was sad because it was so close to such a sad time for me. I could feel the emotions in the air at the settlement table...the seller's had no clue but our mortgage guy and real estate agents did and they just looked so sad for me. Weird to think about that now...I guess it registered somewhere in my brain that day and reflecting back today brought it to the forefront. Interesting.

Anyway, my wedding approached so rapidly after we moved into the house in August. I couldn't believe that October was here. My matron of honor had a bracelet made with a picture of me and my dad to wear on my wedding day so he would be there to walk me down the aisle. I am crying now thinking about such a wonderfully thoughtful gesture. It is probably my most favorite and treasured wedding gift. Our wedding day was so beautiful and happy. I didn't feel sadness about my dad not physically being there...he was there. It poured like rain was going out of style that day but I didn't care one bit. I married the most supportive and amazing man that day and can say without doubt that I married my best friend and soul mate. We are definitely two people who need each other for balance and stability. My maid of honor made an amazing toast and gave us another gift that can't be replaced. Her kind words, her personal touch was something to be treasured. After our wet wedding day, we honeymooned in Maui and now want to live there permanently. The next few years will include additional trips back and developing plans to live there somehow. Another development from the wedding was finding out someone who was supposed to be a close friend no longer fit into that category. Not such a great time for either of us and she ended up backing out of my wedding the week before...not getting into the whole story now, but pretty crappy circumstances which have since resulted in a total cut of ties with each other. Also interesting.

As the fall season wound down, there was a fundraiser in my dad's name which was a difficult and amazing event. $3000 was raised and so many people who knew and loved my dad were there in support. Another sad day. And then November 19th came...dad's birthday. He would have been 54. My brother and I in a rare bonding experience went and got tattoos to honor our father's memory. It was a special and sad night that we were able to share and I believe helped to heal our own relationship.

Before I knew it, it was the holidays...the first without dad. They were hard...different...and a little sad. I can't really explain it but I am told that "you get used to the 'different' experiences that come with mourning the loss of a loved one." We'll see. We were doing ok and then my now- husband had a seizure. He has a seizure disorder which is typically controlled by medication but every once in a while he has a seizure and it is back to the drawing board. There are no answers and it is exhausting both physically and mentally for the both of us. New medications and re-running the battery of tests is always fun (note: this is sarcasm).

Still not completely settled in our house, but we did get new bedroom and dining room furniture and are starting to get the place decorated. Looking forward to a new year of home adventures.
Now it is New Year's Eve and I am thinking about the year as a whole. If there was ever a more polar year, I'd be surprised. This year was indeed filled with very high highs and extremely low lows. Extremes of happiness and sadness truly exhausted me. I am looking forward to closing this year out for so many reasons but know that this past year has given me valuable life lessons and provided me with growth. Even though I had decided a year ago that I would wake up everyday and choose to be happy, it was not always easy to do so, especially after losing my dad. I still tried. I tried again today and I will try again tomorrow morning.

This past year was going to be the year of Lisa and in many ways it was. Some ways it wasn't but I am ok with that. The year was supposed to be about reframing my life to focus on me instead of everyone else and their needs. I think I was able to accomplish that despite the tricky turn of events midway through. Now that I have done that, I think I can take another step towards healing myself and finding the real Lisa that I know is in me somewhere. I am not sure what to title my upcoming year...so I am willing to take suggestions (should anyone actually read this silly little blog).

2006 will be: the Year of ?????????????????

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!

Top Ten Moments of 2005

2005-12-26T22:59:00.000-05:00

I am trying to accept my friend's challenge to post about the top ten moments of this past year. This is tough, as I have not had the best year. Top ten worst moments...that's a piece of cake. Best moments? That is a little harder. But I am going to try.

10. Creating addictions in friends: Introducing the Franklin Covey planning system to friends and watch their pleasure in gaining control and organization (some of the time!) over their lives. Introducing friends to MAC makeup...once you go MAC, you never go back...quite the expensive habit.
9. Breaking a board with my bare hand. My work had a semi-retreat day that was kind of an employee appreciation day combined with an end-of-the-year party. Our administration had instructors from a local karate school come and teach us principles of teamwork, self-defense and other trendy work-related words. Our final exercise was trying to break a piece of wood with our bare hands. I was terrified and thinking about how easily I could sue them for not sufficiently training us...but I decided to try it anyway and was pleasantly surprised when the board split in half in the instructor's hands! It grounded me and made me remember to always have faith in myself.
8. Paying off my car. I must admit it is very nice to have no car payments...but I am very honestly thinking about getting a new car just to have warranty coverage again.
7. Completing my Friends DVD collection. Hours of laughs...over and over and over and over and over and over again.
6. Reading for fun. Taking the fall semester off from graduate school allowed me the luxury of reading for fun again. I finally got to read all the Harry Potter books, Chronicles of Narnia, all the Gregory Maguire books, Memoirs of a Geisha...
5. Starting to heal my damaged relationship with my brother. Trials and tribulations will bring forth the best and worst in some people and this year was no exception. Even though it is difficult, I know that we are started to mend this broken thing (slowly) and I know my dad would be happy.
4. Learning about my dad. Even though you think you know someone well, it amazes me how little I really did know about my father. Losing him was the worst thing that happened to me in my life thus far and yet, the knowledge I gained about the man he was and what he meant to people other than us, his family, has been wonderful and makes me so proud to know that I carry him on in my blood...memories and pictures, they are good...but I carry him within me and that is the coolest thing ever.
3. Owning my own home. Quite the grown-up thing to do...lots of work, lots of money, lots of fear...but worth every second if it.
2. Honeymooning in Maui. Just beautiful. No other words.
1. Marrying my best friend and the man I love. We had such a beautiful wedding on the most horrific of days weather wise. I found it representative of our relationship within my life...the calm between the storms. He is my strength and stability, especially during one of the most difficult years of my life. Bottom line: I was able to have one day that nothing else mattered one bit, nothing but me and him.

Today

2005-12-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

Today was one of greatly varying emotional degrees. This morning at 4 a.m., my husband (still sounds weird to say) had a seizure in his sleep. It is not uncommon, as he is diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Despite this, the entire seizure event is very hard to experience. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to watch someone you love have a seizure. The total loss of control over their person and the fact that there is little you can do to help them is mentally exhausting. Needless to say, the drawn out hospital visit never helps one's mental status.

After coming home from the hospital, my friend and I took a trip downtown to pick up some paintings that another friend (and fabulous artist!!!) had done for us. The trip down was fine, singing along to the Rent soundtrack and Christmas songs. We got to their place and then proceeded to drive around looking for parking for the next 20 minutes or so. This caused my friend (who very nicely drove since I left work on Friday with a flat tire) to quickly become Cranky...and yes, Cranky with the Capital C. She was not pleased about this, especially because we had to pay to park in a lot when we knew we wouldn't be visiting very long. We got out of the now parked car and started walking to their apartment building. Which we couldn't find. Which is NO fun in December. But we found it eventually.

Anyway, Carm's paintings were presented to her first and needless to say they were amazing. She was so happy. And then it came time for my paintings. I am finding it hard to find the words to describe how stunningly perfect they were. I can't even believe how right on these paintings ended up being. The artist has been able to capture such powerful emotions and meanings in her work that it almost feels like I painted them myself. I have no creative or artistic talent whatsoever, so there is no way I could have painted them, but they feel like me on canvas. I actually cried because of how much they meant. So powerful. It probably doesn't make any sense to read this, seeing them is the proof in the pudding...so here you go:

Emerge by Michelle Ottey

This was done for my home office...and below is the one done for my office at work

The Road Less Traveled, A Reflection on Leadership by Michelle Ottey:

Aren't these just the most spectacular images you have ever seen??? I feel so lucky to have these and am so grateful for what Michelle did for me...and she doesn't know it yet, but now I want more! I would love to have three small ones like she made for Carm to compliment my Emerge centerpiece. But I know I must be patient since her commisions are piling up as her popularity grows. It will be hard though...I just want to fill up my whole house!

Wedding Pics...

2005-12-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

So I finally got the disc with all my wedding proofs on it. Here are a a few favs to share with those who may stumble across my little blog...

These were the beautiful flowers that everyone carried. My bouquet is the one in the very front of the box...the rest of the box is bridesmaids or mother of the bride bouquets.

Here is one shot of me before the ceremony at my house...

This is me with my dad's best friend who walked me down the aisle...

Here is our charming little chapel...

We're married!

Our phenomenal wedding party...

Our first dance as husband and wife...

My lovely Maid of Honor's Toast

Shocked the shit out of my husband who was told NOT to smash the cake in my face...

An overexuberant Maid of Honor...

The end of the night...

Aren't they nice pics? I was pretty happy with how they turned out. Can't wait til the album is complete...

Stupid Snow

2005-12-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

I hate snow. I am not exactly sure when my dislike for snow became as intense as it is now. I used to really like snow. All beautiful and magical...causing days off from school. Sometimes it would cause multiple days off and my brother and I would videotape ourselves lip-synching to random music. Ah the good ole days. But somehow I am now a snow-loather. The fact that I am a grown-up and have to go into work basically no matter how much snow falls must have something to do with it. My work has closed ONCE in 5 years of pretty significant snow falls. Twice I have gotten into car accidents or super scary situations while trying to drive to work in the snow. And now I have assumed a completely irrational fear of driving in the snow. I am refusing to do it. The other day, it snowed overnight and presented the possibility of compromised driving conditions. When push came to shove, the meteorologists were wrong (surprise surprise) and hardly any accumulation occurred. Tonight it is supposed to start snowing and now stop until mid morning. Of course, I have a mandatory State training to attend. In King of PRussia. There is no freaking way that I am driving all the way to KOP while it is snowing. The training starts at 9 a.m. and lasts all day. Weather.com indicates that between 6 and 9 a.m. it is supposed to HEAVY SNOW. Yeah right. Is it wrong that I have pretty much made up my mind that I am not going into work. I have a list of things that I could be doing instead all planned out. In fact, I am getting start on something I know will take longer than just tonight hoping I will be staying home tomorrow to finish it. Nice. I hate the snow.

Procrastination

2005-12-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

I never really realized how much I procrastinate until college. It was then that the many papers, projects, research quests, studying sessions and thesis writing that showed me just how much I truly epitomize one who procrastinates. Before then I considered myself a pretty consistent person. Yet something about that last minute rush proved to be educationally frutiful for me. Perhaps it is the crazy pressure to get it done that makes me perform with grace under fire. Who knows. All I do know is that I have continued in this procrastination vain since then and it doesn't have the same effect anymore. For example, as I was planning my wedding...I kept putting stuff off even though I knew it would stress me out. Same goes for our house. Still have shit in boxes because I just don't get my ass moving to put things where they should be. I put off fixing up the one bedroom to be my office until recently and now I am kicking myself because it is the holidays (mega busy) and it needs to be done before my graduate school semester starts up again in January. Why do I keep doing this to myself? The worst part of my recent procrastination is the Thank You cards for the wedding. I have the lists ready. I have the labels ready. I have the envelopes addressed and stamped. I just can't make myself write the stinking thank yous! I have had them sitting in a pile for the last two months now and just refuse to do it. The shitty part is that I have so many wonderful thank yous to extend because of how wonderful everyone made my wedding day. And I absolutely hate when people don't give thanks in a timely fashion. We went to a wedding last Thanksgiving and didn't get the thank you until July! Truly offensive I thought...and yet I am marching down that very same path. When will I find my innner motivation to do the things I want and need to do? I thought that once the wedding was over I would be that girl I currently hate (the organized, thoughtful and mini-Martha Stewart one). Hopefully something will jump start my ass soon.

Rent

2005-12-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

So I never saw the Broadway version of Rent. But I went to go see the movie version last week anyway. I loved it. I loved the actors, the visuals, the music, the voices, the words...all of it. I loved the story itself. There is just something about musicals and this one is so amazing. Ever since I saw it, I have been singing the songs and thinking about going to see it again. Last night online I talked to a friend and we made a date to see it again on Sunday evening. Despite that, I went after work with two friends to see it again. It got better this second time around...and this time I was more mentally prepared for Angel's death and funeral. When I saw the movie the first time I bawled like crazy during these scenes. I think it is just still too close to my dad's death for anything funeral-y to not hit home emotionally. Even as I was sitting down to type this entry up, I was singing the music and decided that I had to get up right then and go buy the movie soundtrack. So I did. And now I am finishing this entry listening to it. I am in Rent overload and loving every minute of it.

Tattoos: part two

2005-11-22T19:17:00.000-05:00

My last post talked about getting another tattoo in memory of my father. I talked to my brother and we decided to go on my dad's birthday (November 19th) and get something since that was the day he always went to get his tattoos. I did some research on the bass clef (my dad had this as a tat himself) trying to find a unique way to remember my dad.

And then I found it. Just a random image on Google. It was a bass clef, but mirror-imaged. It seemed unreal...too good to be true...the mirror image made a heart. I showed my brother and he said he thought it was perfect too. He decided to have it on his other upper arm shoulder and I decided to place mine cradled in the arms of my fire dancer since that was the mini-version my dad had planned on adding to his own before passing away. We did it together and we did it with minimal conversation. It was a rough night emotionally and it took everything in my power to withhold the tears while getting the tat because the place was filled with big burly pierced and tattooed guys. I didn't want to look like a damn sissy in front of them even though I knew the tat wasn't what was making me cry.

I can't say that even with having my own tats that I liked any other typical "in memory" tattoos. You know the ones: A big cheesy crucifix with a wavy banner with the person's name...or something like it. I really think this is a truly unique tribute to my dad and a way to carry him with me every one of my remaining days.

I love you and miss you, Dad.

Tattoos

2005-11-13T18:37:00.000-05:00

I am watching TLC's Miami Ink and thinking about tattoos. Personally, I think they are fascinating forms of expression and have three. For as long as I can remember I have known that I would want a tattoo. I remember the arguments I had with both parents about getting one. My mom would argue the repercussions, what it looks like in a professional setting, the permanency, etc. My dad wouldn't say much but somehow convey his thoughts through his facial expressions. I waited until I was 19 and went to get my first tattoo...a sun with the astrological symbol for Leo in the middle. I went with my current boyfriend and actually sat through his two and half hours of tattooing before getting my own. I remember the guy teasing me about how hairy my lower back was compared to his (he was an extremely large hairy man and yet said I had more hair than him...all fine blond hairs but whatever!) and how he said he pressed the needle harder for girls. I almost passed out and the boyfriend had to run across the street and get me orange juice. But I loved every second of it! I came home and my dad actually asked to see it. My mom just couldn't do it. And then one day my dad told me that he didn't like tattoos on women. Being a women's studies major, this threw me for a loop. How could he say that???? I questioned him further and he revealed that he thought women's bodies were beuatiful as is and inking them was damaging. I could see his point but thought him senseless anyway. I got my second tattoo the next year: a fire dancer...then a few years after that a dancing eight.

I took my dad for his first tattoo onhis 50th birthday. He got a bass clef on lines of sheet music. He was so excited and so proud and I couldn't be happier to have given him that gift. My brother got his first tattoo that same day: the comedy/tragedy masks. The next year my dad went and got his fender bass guitar. Last fall he talked about adding to the bass clef but couldn't figure out what he wanted to add. He said something to do with his kids but wasn't sure how to do that. I suggested adding small versions of one of my tats and my brother's tat with some music notes. He loved and said he was saving up to go do it. I had wanted another tattoo...a goddess figure...but I just couldn't decide on where I want it. Me and my dad talked about going together to get them done.

And then on July 4th my dad passed away very unexprectedly. We never got to go get our tattoos. The past few months has been filled with mourning and happiness overriding each other in the form of an emotional rollercoaster. This coming Saturday is my dad's 54th birthday. My brother and I talked about going and getting bass clef tats. I don't want it to be huge and I don't want it to be a simple bass clef. I am thinking of something heavenly or peaceful, maybe wings...but I don't know. I just know that even though I know in my heart that I will never be able to wipe away the memories of my dad's passing, something more permanent just seems to make sense.

Lately

2005-11-06T21:13:00.000-05:00

Some things I have been doing lately:

Started a class on mindfulness...pretty interesting, learning how to be mindful of the moment and meditate and other cool stuff.

Started reading the Harry Potter series. I have been wanting to read that since they came out and just haven't had the luxury of free time to read. School reading took precedence so it is pretty refreshing to read for fun. I started on Sunday and am already in the third year at Hogwart's. Loving it thus far.

Bought furniture from Ethan Allen and spent a small fortune. Bedroom set and dining room set. Just love them and can't wait for them to come in so I can actually function in my house. Ethan Allen is a bit different other furniture stores. Other places have the pieces in warehouse somewhere but EA makes them when they are ordered so it takes 8-12 weeks for it to come in. Bummer...they won't be in before the holidays.

Dad's house is up for sale and hopefully will go soon. Keeping the fingers crossed.

Weekend Recap

2005-11-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

Friday:

We attended a wedding for a family friend and mechanic of my husband. Yeah it is still really weird to say that!! Anyway, the wedding was nice, back at the local Catholic church in the Parkwood section of Northeast Philadelphia. We have been to that church so much in the last year and a half for weddings and funerals that I feel like it should be my parish. The nice part about this wedding was that the priest was different from the same one presiding over every other ceremony we have been to there. He was younger, Indian and trying to be funny in a priestly dorky way. He made the ceremony interesting and unique. The bride and groom looked like they never saw a wedding before and definitely did not pay attention during their rehearsal. The bride was quite ditzy and couldn't even remember her vows, even with the priest feeding her the lines. Then when the couple was trying to light the unity candle, they screwed it all up. Instead of using the lit tapers that their mothers lit, they grabbed other unlit tapers and lit them with the votive and lit the unity candle. The priest had to tell them the correct way to do it and they blew out the unity candle and started over! They still didn't use the mother-lit tapers but instead used the random tapers and lit them from the mother tapers and criss-crossed their arms to re-light the unity candle. So very humorous and embarrasing and funny. The reception was at Belle Voir Mansion by the Delaware River. Very nice, not as large and extravagant as I expected though. The room was not as large as my reception and the food was definitely not as good. However, I enjoyed it because they had a live band, but the MC sucked when introducing everyone. Overall, I had a good time. Except during the father-daughter dance which was the first wedding since mine that I have had to endure that special time between a bride and her father. Very hard, started crying, tried to stop, made it worse...but was able to calm down because I was surrounded by my husband's family who have been so wonderful and supportive during this tough time. It is amazing to me how my mother and sister in law both just know when I am on the verge of getting upset and come right to me just to hug, kiss or hold my hand. They are truly amazing people and I feel very lucky to have that when I know so many people who have problems with their in laws.

Saturday:

Had the Beef-N-Beer fundraiser for my dad. It was amazing to see how many people were there in support of my father. Got in a fight with my mom on the way because we were late...I missed my uncle's speech, his performance, his daughter's performance and some of my brother's. My brother got piss drunk and was unbelievable critical of his performance, I didn't really talk to my mom the whole time, my husband told she could be a pain in the ass sometimes, and I cried at the end. Once again, my sister-in-law came to my aid, as did my mother-in-law and a cousin from my husband's family who lost her husband ten years ago and shared some things about her daughters have handled their loss. And no one can truly understand what you are feeling unless they have experienced it. I have had tons of support from tons of people, but the most touching has come from those who know what it is like to lose someone close. It still totally sucks and I am going to stop talking about it because I just don't feel like crying again this weekend.

Sunday:

Not much...relaxed, picked up a bit in the house.

ARGH

2005-10-29T20:34:00.000-04:00

Just typed a GIANT post and somehow my computer lost it when I unblocked the pop-up for a spell check. SON OF A BITCH. And you wonder why I don't post much here. ARGH...

An away we go...

2005-10-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

We are back from the honeymoon and I have to say that if you haven't already been to the Hawaiian islands, do yourself the favor and get there soon. Maui was amazing and I am seriously considering finding out about job opportunities there so I can live there permanently. I will recap more of the wedding soon, I just need my friend to help me upload images to share...so this is my way of asking her for help...CARM! Please come over and help me...Thanks.

The heat is on...

2005-10-02T22:04:00.000-04:00

So I have been having trouble finding inspiration to even log in to my blog, let alone write something. I have been so swamped with work, school, wedding, house, dad stuff that I crash as soon as I get home most nights. Believe me, I want to write. I have so much more going on in my head than before that I should get it out before I go "Bi-Polar Disorder with Schizoaffective Features..." Sorry, I know that makes no sense, but it is how my brain works these days...thoughts and emotions and whatever else seems to flood in and out without any control from me. This interesting statement comes directly from a conversation I experienced yesterday at my 5th year college reunion. One of my fellow alumnae shared her life in the past year and it had to be one of the more depressing and uncomfortable discussions I have ever had. Despite its bizarreness, it helped me realize that I am not alone in experiencing unfortunate events and that things could always be worse. So, thank you Julie for helping me remember that at least some of the time my glass can be half full.

At the reunion, I of course went with my two girls and we clique-like stuck together. What else could be expected from us. What was a very nice touch to the day was hanging the whole time with Christy and Michelle...loved it!!! They made me realize how much of wonderful place Rosie was for so many of us and I can't wait to spend time with them in the near future. It was so fun to make fun of everyone and learn some truly unknown facts about my time at Rosie and exactly how oblivious I apparently was for 4 years. Finding out that the girls have blogs in which they update daily and then sharing my blog address has added a little fire under my blogging ass so I am trying to shape up!

We are at t-minus 6 days until the wedding and I can't believe it is here. It is a very emotional time and in order to save myself in tremendous snot-blowing in about 5 minutes, I won't get into it because of the tears that are sure to come. To summarize, Sunday is cemetery day and with that is sadness enough, but also yesterday's mail at Dad's included my copy of the headstone for approval before final engraving. Too much for one person to deal with 6 days before their wedding, I think, but that seems to be how my life has ended up. I am so exhausted from trying to be happy and grieve at the same time that I really might end up "Bi-Polar Disorder with Schozaffective Features."

To refocus though: Obviously have been extremely busy and overwhelmed. Once I get back from my honeymoon I will have the time I need and want to thoroughly express the things I want. Below is a list of some of those things to come:
1. Wedding recap
2. The disappointment of finding out your ranking order in people's lives
3. Selling Dad's house
4. What it felt like to be back at Rosie
5. Being a wife
6. New directions I plan to take
7. Organizing an annual charity event: Vince Richichi Grow-A-Bass-Player Foundation
8. The joys of homeownership
9. Expanding the sex toy collection
10. Finding Lisa

Not that anyone really reads this, but I did just share the blog address with some people so I feel very pressured to keep this up...Bear with me...this will definitely be a bumpy ride.

Spiritual Reading

2005-07-27T06:35:00.000-04:00

Last night my mom and I went to have a spiritual reading done with a psychic medium. We have had this done in the past and found it to be interesting and entertaining, but not necessarily accurate. Last night was a different experience for me. Instead of your typical tarot cards and predictions, this guy relayed messages from spirits now gone from this world. I went because I couldn't feel my dad around me and was scared I never would. I miss him so terribly that the thought of him not being around me in any way (physically and spiritually) hurts me to the point of chest pain. Anyway, when my mom and I arrived at this guy's home, he asked us who sang because someone was just singing to him. We realized after some discussion that it was probably my paternal grandmother. Throughout the remainder of the discussion, we all talked about things he was getting from the Spirit. Some things were beyond our understanding and maybe it will make sense later on. Some things were so accurate that I couldn't help but cry. I am happy that we were able to get some answers we wanted and I am happy that my dad seems to be doing extremely well for a "beginner." I was given advice on how to get a better sense of his presence in my life and for that I am so grateful. Many of the topics were things that my mom knew about (the medium used her watch to reach our energies) so I think that I will see him again and use something of mine. I just know that it felt right and that it felt good but most of all it helped me feel him. I love you Dad.

Random

2005-07-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

So wrote earlier that my ex delivered my pizza one day. Well last night his little brother did too. For the same pizza joint. So random and so unfortunate that two very bright and intelligent guys gave up their education to deliver pizza.

2005-07-07T08:25:00.000-04:00

He won't be there. He won't be there. He won't be there.
Even though everyone keeps saying he will, he won't. I know he will be with me that day, but he won't be there right with me. And I am so sad. I don't even know how to begin to handle this and don't know when I will begin to feel ok. I just can't understand it and am struggling with what little (if any) faith I have left to believe that things like this happen for a reason. Something like this seem so unfair and I just don't even believe that it is real. But everyday this week brings me closer to the hardest day of my life so far and I know it will become the reality I don't want it to be.
I miss him so much.

Final Countdown...

2005-06-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

Ok...so it is rapidly approaching 3 months until my wedding. I can't believe it is almost here after our seemingly endless engagement of over 2 1/2 years. Anyway, so I got the call from the bridal salon that my dress was in. Since I had some custom work done on it (raised the neckline because I didn't want the "girls" on display that day), I had to come in for a pre-fitting try-on. Yesterday I went with my mom to put on the dress. Much to my surprise, it looked good. And much to my delight it was big! And much to my ultimate happiness...the head seamstress decided it would be better for me NOT to wear the horrid crinolin underneath the dress! YAY ME!!!! I hate that thing...it is poofy and itchy and HOT. I am so happy that I don't need to wear that and thrilled because it actually makes me look thinner to not wear it. DOUBLE WHAMMY. I had the seamstress in stitches (ha! I crack myself up!) beause I was talking about how I am a sweaty girl and the crinolin presented a problem with nasty sticky inner thighs on my wedding day! So interestingly enough, as the wedding gets closer, I seem to be growing more excited about it. At this point, I just want it to be here already...but at least I can look at myself and not see such a huge cow...But now the real countdown is here...I can't lose any weight after my first fitting in August...I have one month to shed some extra pounds or else it is going to be this way on the big day and I will have spent several thousand dollars for pictures that I will loook at in distaste and regert for not being thinner. Here we go!

Power of Three

2005-06-17T12:12:00.000-04:00

Saw this on another blog and thought it was cool (thanks to Suburban Lesbian):

3 names I go by: Lisa, Baby, Lis
3 screen-names I've had: Lisa8578, crashgirl, Oneguard35
3 physical things I like about myself: my eyes, my feet, my lips
3 physical things I dislike about myself: my ears, my stomach, my boobs
3 parts of my heritage: Italian, Irish, Polish
3 things I am wearing right now: zip up sweater, cuffed capri jeans, silver bzyantine necklace
3 things I want in a relationship: humor, honesty, equality
3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me: eyes, laugh, penis
3 of my favorite hobbies: watching tv, sleeping, knitting
3 things I want to do really badly right now: leave work and go home, take a nap, go shopping
3 things that scare me: paranormal entities, being alone, death
3 of my everyday essentials: elastic hairband on wrist, kiss goodnight, daily phone call from fiance
3 places you want to go on vacation: Hawaii, Italy, Australia
3 kids' names you like: Liam, Layne, Sophia
3 things you want before you die: work with female athletes, meet Dave Matthews, go to Italy
3 ways I am stereotypically a boy: I burp and fart for fun, I love watching sports, I check out other girls
3 ways I am stereotypically a chick: I have a ton of makeup, I love shoes, and I use my boobs to my advantage
3 celeb crushes: Dave Matthews, Brad Pitt, Darth Vader (badass villains are cool)

FINALLY

2005-06-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

Sing to the Parliament (George Clinton) song, Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (Give Up the Funk):

We got a house!
Gotta get that house!
OWWWWWWW!
We got a house!
Really got a house!

It is true ladies and gentlemen (as if anyone actually reads this thing). My fiance and I FINALLY got a house. We have been searching for quite some time now and in this evil market, have had endless troubles finding one we liked and could afford. Then the other day, my real estate agent told us of one in the neighborhood...we saw it, liked it, bid on it, got outbid, bid again and got it! YEAH US!!!

It is a cute, newly renovated twin in my hometown and for an unthinkable price for a twin, we bought it and will make it our new home by the end of the summer. I am so thrilled I could shit my pants, but I won't because I am too preoccupied to clean up that kind of mess right now.

I had been stewing for a few weeks now about how my three close friends were all moving to their new homes and me, the one who really needed a new home, had nothing. I was bitter and jealous and tired of watching everyone else get what they wanted while I got squat. Don't get me wrong, I love these gals and am happy for them but this time is my turn. And I am happy. And scared...and about to be seriously broke. So if you are reading this and coming to our wedding, you best be bringing some cash because we need it or we will starve to death within the first year of our marriage. Do you feel comfortable with that on your conscious?? What a tragic ending and you shouldn't be a part of that....Be kind people...I am Italian and nobody likes a bony Italian girl. FEED ME. Donations will be gladly accepted. :)

Today

2005-04-27T18:40:00.000-04:00

Today is officially the best day I have had in one and a half years. Today I took off from work because I had two dental appointments spread over the course of the day. I woke up, put some laundry on and got dressed before heading over to my orthodontist. Thankfully everything was the way it was supposed to be and my orthodontist TOOK OFF MY BRACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay for me! I was so thrilled you can't even imagine. The only downfall was that I now have to wear retainers for the next 6 months. It is interesting trying to learn to talk with those bad boys in my mouth...but it is all worth it because I don't have the braces on. After my appointment I had lunch with dad and then hung out at home until my dental appointment. See, I had scheduled a cleaning because I was hoping the orthodontist would take the braces off today and I wanted a real good cleaning since my teeth were probably going to be funky. My cleaning was great, my teeth feel fantastic. I never thought that I would actually sing the praises of dental appointments but today I am. Today is the first time I have truly smiled in over a year and a half because I don't care what it might look like to be smiling with my shitty ass braces glistening in the sun. I am smiling because I am so very happy. I am smiling because my teeth look great. I am smiling because my jaw feels no pain. I am smiling because I finally am starting to feel good looking again. Today was the best.

stuff

2005-04-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

I am now a few days removed from my anger, frustration, and disappointment. See, I am getting married in about 6 months and even though I don't want to have a bridal shower, I know I am going to have one. And I don't want to be surprised so I have spoken to my bridesmaids and mother about this. I found out the other day that two of my closest friends were being pretty shitty about scheduling time to meet ot discuss the details of the shower. The one I anticipated, the other one I am really hurt by, especially because she is my matron of honor. I talked to my maid of honor, screamed, yelled, cried a bit, but because she is so good to me, I feel better. The really shitty part of this whole thing was that after having that nasty conversation with her on Thursday, the people at my work threw me and the other three brides a shower. And I was totally surprised. And survived. But anyway, back to this whole thing...I just think it sucks when you are the type of person who would drop anything and everything for your friends at any time only to find out that they might not be that same type of friend to you.

Special Delivery

2005-04-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

Every once in awhile your life has episodes that remind you of TV sitcoms. Friday night I had one of these moments. I came home from work a little later than normal, my mom was at the house working on paperwork with my dad, and my fiance was in the bedroom playing video games. I came home and was hungry and we all decided to order some food from the newest local pizza joint. After the typical 30 to 45 minute waiting period, the knock came on the door. My fiance opened the door to pay and I got up to get plates. My mom was oddly staring at the delivery guy and then said, "Hi Gerr." It felt like time stopped...I looked around my fiance in the doorway to see my ex...scratch that...THE ex standing in the door. Unbelievable. I haven't seen him in a few years. What a strange and awkward moment...what a time for my mom to start asking about his life, whether he finished college, why he was delivering pizza. It still is a surreal moment. We all chatted, he complimented the house, I said my dad did it for the wedding. WHAT? Why did I say that? It was like my body just blurted it out in some feeble defense to show him that I moved on further than he had. WHAT? It was so strange. I am shaking my head now as I write this because it just doesn't seem real. I feel horrible, because I know I didn't look my best, my stupid ass braces glistening in the afternoon sun, my fatness begging to be stared at, but I actually felt a twinge of embarrassment about how my fiance looked in his sweats and overgrown hair. How could I feel that way? I loved him and am 6 months away from marrying him...not that the ex looked great, but the point is that we didn't look good enough to make him feel bad. Dammit. They never show this part on the sitcoms.

The Interview

2005-03-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

So my favorite blogger friend had this post on her blog and told me I had to do it. So here it goes:

1) What scares you the most about getting married?
Crikey! What doesn't scare me about getting married. In all seriousness though, this is a very valid question. I think that what I am most scared about relating to the wedding day is that my anticipated reaction to the anxiety I typically feel with big events. I am most scared that I am going to freak out with anxiety and start crying...I do not hide my crying very well and fear that I will end up looking puffy-eyed and horrendous. What I am most scared about relating to the getting married part is the duration. I look at older couples who have been married for ages and when I learn the actual number of years, I get a little nauseas. It isn't that I don't want to be with him for that extended period of time...it is more about actually making it to that point in our lives and the complications that come with being old. I am scared about the possibility of a routine, mundane, predictable life for the next 75 years.

2) What is your favorite sex position?
Any of them. At this point, I am so hard up for some loving, I will take what I can get. My most recent favorite is doggy-style, with my right leg straight up in the air resting on his shoulder. Yee-haw!

3) If you could teach a class in anything, what would it be and why?
Wow. VERY cool question. I think I would want to teach psychology as it relates specifically to women. My dream would be to develop a program that examines the psychology of female athletes...all developmental age groups, all ability levels, no holds barred. Title IX kicks ass.

4) Dawson or Pacey?
Good grief...is this even debatable???? PACEY...yummy

5) Which part of your body do you like the most?
I dislike you for asking this. It is just so much easier to say you like nothing about your body than to name what you do like. However, with much confidence I can say that I like my eyes, they have an underestimated depth and allure that you only get to see when I decide to show you.

So that was super fun...not that anyone reads my shitty blog, but I will post this in case by some sort of miracle, someone wants me to do it.

The Official Interview Game Rules
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

just saying hi

2005-02-15T16:01:00.000-05:00

So I haven't updated in forever. In case anyone besides my one friend reads this blog...I am doing fine. I have been super busy with work, grad school, wedding stuff, the 30th birthday, and stupid ass Valentine's Day. I hate that holiday. Especially when you are planning on an extremely minor episode of quality time with your man and instead of being romantic and remembering that we were supposed to do that after my class...HE EATS DINNER WITHOUT YOU. Stupid ass Valentine's Day.

Update

2005-01-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

Crikey! I have been busy and unable to sit down at my personal computer for weeks now! Anyway, my Year of Lisa has been going well thus far. Each day I get up and choose my happiness...it is so routine that now I don't even actually have to think about purposefully choosing. It is just there when I wake up. It truly has made a world of difference in my life overall. Amazing the little things that have the largest impact. I am also getting very close to actually exercising. I have bought Core Secrets, which I think I truly will enjoy. Although I have had it for a few weeks now and haven't done anything yet, I am pleased that it has become an addition to my exercise library. Yesterday I bought Billy Blanks's new workout phenomenon, Boot Camp. I LOVED Tae Bo so I figured I would give it a shot. Plus it said guaranteed results in 7 days. Whoa. Those are the kind of results I need. I am not good with the 6 weeks later, you are going to look awesome workout. I tend to give up. But then again that was the old me. I have also been working on my wedding with more interest than ever before. I believe because it is the year I am actually getting married in...but also because my happiness thing made me remember the REAL reason for all the planning and stress. I am getting to tell the man I love in front of all our family and friends, that I want to be with him for the rest of our lives. And I am unequivocably happy about that in the realest and truest sense of happy. I have been working on preparing the engagement announcement for the papers, firming up details on the ceremony musicians (a string quartet!), and flowers. I am still trying to do the transportation thing. The big change was that I choose to have my bridesmaids wear the same gown. Originally, they were able to pick the dress of their choice as long as it was black. But my bridal salon has a bridesmaid dress that matches my gown almost perfectly so I changed my mind. It is my perogative...but I still felt bad. However, the guilt wore off when I realized how breathtaking they will be in the gown. Now if we could just decide on a song to dance to. I have been glued to my Tv watching my Dawson's Creek seasons on DVD. I can officially claim to be hooked again. I missed it. It reminded me of all the times in college when a ton of us would make the DC nights an event. Especially, the time Jack revealed he was gay...good grief did that cause a controversy with a friend of ours who was able to watch it while the rest of us played a basketball game and had to tape it! I realized halfway through the fourth season that this was the last year of college and after we graduated so I didn't see all the episodes. It was when my interest was focused on my fledgling relationship with the now fiance instead of staying true to the DC. So now I am all finished with the first four seasons and am dying to see the next two because I truly have no idea what happens. Oh the anticipation!!! If anyone knows when season five is due to be released, drop me a line...I am dying! It might be hard for me to keep up...grad school has started back up and I am worried about the workload this semester. We shall see. Anyway, now I am just rambling on like this was a journal or something so I am going to stop. I will be back soon...

Week One

2005-01-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

So far, this year has been going well, with the exception of my father losing his second job. I have been waking up happy daily and this has impacted everything in a positive way. I have taken wedding planning by the balls and actually am enjoying it (to a small extent, but I at least I am not loathing it). I am sticking to a modified version of the South Beach Diet and surviving...peeing nonstop due to a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily...but surviving. I am feeling good. I had forgotten this version of myself several years ago for now unrecallable reasons, but I am very glad to see its return. I am gearing up to become active and exercise. At least weekly to begin with...playing basketball with my Rosie alums is really a very cool thing. And I am continuing to enjoy my new found crafty side...knitting and beading. Who woulda thunk it? Plus I am spending quality time with my grandmother (which no one else in my family cares to do even despite her terminal condition) and getting on her good side. Today instead of our typical weekly knitting session, I took her to several stores and then dropped her off at the hospital to be with my grandfather. She actually said that I was a "good girl." Not your run-of-the-mill compliment, but a fantastic one from her. Anyway, since no one particularly cares about my ramblings about my new life I am goibng to end this...but in case anyone might peruse this...it feels great to know that the changes happening in my life are because of me. Because I deserve to be happy.

Bumpy Ride

2005-01-02T19:34:00.000-05:00

So I decided to make changes in how I approach the world this year. And thus far, I have been doing well. I have been able to wake up in the morning and decide to be happy. So far things have been going well. Then my dad came home tonight after meeting with his boss from his second full time job. And suddenly, 2005 became a very bumpy ride. My dad lost his job. Again. This poor guy can't catch a break. The week before I started college, he lost his job. Since that time, approaching ten years ago now (GOOD GOD!), he has battled with a lot of demons and struggles. He just put tens of thousands of dollars into the house that he now may not be able to afford to keep. I feel so terrible for him because he is stressing out about how he will be able to make his mortgage payment. Just because I woke up and chose to be happy doesn't mean that I have to stay happy throughout the entire day...with that being said, I am sad now but will wake up tomorrow happy that I am alive, in love, have a job, and for now, have somewhere to live.

I'm Ready

2005-01-01T08:42:00.000-05:00

This, the first morning of the Year of Lisa, has found me awake and happy. A very wise woman once told me that happiness is a state of being that you choose to be when you wake each morning. This is what I want to accomplish this coming year. So today I woke up (early for a holiday), decided to be happy and put a smile on my face, got out of bed, put some laundry on, and began to work on the scarf I am knitting. I put on the TV, but was not really interested in it so I turned it off. One thing that I think will make me happier this year is watching less television. It sucks away precious moments of my life that could be better used doing something productive. I am not planning to omit all of TV from my life this year, but watching less of it will help me get some more things done. And I am happy about that. So instead of writing a whole lot more, I am going to get back to knitting the scarf. But before I go, I found a good omen for the year ahead during my dinner last night:

"Today is a lucky day for those who remain cheerful and optimistic."

Gotta love Chinese food, just for the fortune cookies alone!

The Year of Lisa

2004-12-31T15:38:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve is totally overrated. I have rarely experienced fun on New Year's Eve. I have had more fun when I just hang out in my house, watch the cheesy countdown shows, bang some pots and pans at midnight, and then go to bed after making some lame ass resolutions that I know I will never even come close to keeping. 2004 was a bad year for me. I was miserable for most of it, cried way too much, and put everyone else's needs first AGAIN. There were definitely good points throughout the year, but for the most part, it was a sad time in my life. I felt very lost and alone despite having plenty of loved ones surrounding me. So in the past few weeks I have done much reflecting on why I haven't been able to be happy. I have come to the conclusion that it is because I haven't tried to be happy. I tried to make everybody else happy. I tried to lose weight thinking that would make me happy. I tried to exercise to try to lose weight thinking that would make me happy. The list of things could go on and on. So what I decided to do this year instead of making resolutions I will never keep and instead of having goals (which are just resolutions of a different name), I decided that I am going to do whatever it takes to make me happy. I am going to wake up everyday and choose to be happy. I am going to do whatever I need to do to keep that feeling day after day. I am going to take care of me first. 2005 will be the year of Lisa.

Serenity Now

2004-12-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in ages (what else is new, right?). I was busy with school and once that ended I thought I would have more time to post. Then work got super busy and I couldn't. Then the holidays came and went and I couldn't. Now it is almost New Year's and for some reason I couldn't find the time. To recap: Christmas was kind of sad because the lack of money made gift giving a problem. The guilt kicked in when the notion of no presents visibly crushed the fiancee. He finally caved and allowed me to buy him some small items but it still wasn't the holiday I like to have him experience. All I wanted for Christmas was money to put right into the savings account for the wedding and house. Luckily, I got it...every little bit helps. I also got quilt from my mother which rocks. She also gave us the beginning pieces of dinnerware that I really wanted. It is beautiful...light blue stone pottery with white spring blossoms artfully placed on it. Christmas absolutely exhausted me because once again we had to go four different places to see everyone. I was zonked out in the car between each ride. However, it is always nice to see everyone, just tiring. Anyway, all I have been thinking about all day is my pottery. And how I want...no scratch that...MUST go back to the store to get more pieces. Something weird happened tonight as I started watching the final half of the last season of Sex and the City (FINALLY!)...I began thinking about my pottery and which pieces I would get next, when I would use it, how I would store it. I even called my mom and obsessed over the pottery. After she told me to stop, I realized that this pottery has somehow given me the serenity I have been craving all damn year. I have been searching for something to give me peace of mind, something to wash away the pain. With the New Year around the corner I can't help but think about all the rsolutions people make each year and never follow through with. How many times I have done the same thing and never fully followed through with it. I am so tired of it all. I am so tired and pottery can't be the only thing in my life to give me the serenity I so desperately need.

Dino & the Missiles

2004-12-12T01:48:00.000-05:00

I went out tonight and hung out with my dad. We went to a bar and saw my friend's brother's band play live music. It was a good time. My friend's parents were there so my dad got to hang with her dad while throwing back some beers and laughs. Then there was this random bar regular who would NOT stop screaming out the lyrics to every stinking song. He reminded me of a wannabe rock star with squiggly greasy hair...a sleeveless black t-shirt exposing his tattooed arms...tight acid washed jeans tapered just so they sit on top of his cheesy sneakers. To make matters worse he had on a black baseball hat with the rim flipped up. Oh...and he had like three teeth. Eventually he made his way up to the stage area and before I realized it, he was belting out "The Summer of '69", microphone in hand. I was laughing so hard I didn't know what hit me. And when my friend's brother finally got the microphone back after the conclusion of the song, he asked the guy's name only to find out that it was DINO of Dino& the Missiles. Now, I have no idea what that means other than that guy thinks he is a rock god but his supposed band isn't working in some shit bar on a Saturday night. Either way, I had a good time with my friend who I haven't seen in awhile!

My brother

2004-12-10T18:47:00.000-05:00

My brother is a theater major at DeSales University. He has been in tons of shows, plays, musicals, etc. Much to my dismay (time flies!) he is a senior this year and will be graduating in May. Part of the requirement to graduate is that the seniors complete a project, all the details of which I am not clear. However, I do know that it involved my brother writing a show, casting it, directing it, and all that other jazz that happens with shows. Now I know my brother has talent. But the energy and commitment it takes to pull something like this off while also taking other classes and trying out for school productions is truly to behold. I am shocked he actually pulled it off. My brother ended up writing a musical about his life. Originally he asked me to be in it. ME. I was not only shocked...I was flabbergasted. Number one...I have zero experience with stuff like this and I have ungodly fear of public speaking. I declined and hoped it wouldn't result in a horrible depiction of me in the show.

The other day I came home to find my father listening to a cd, obviously not a professional one. I found out that it was music for my brother's show. I have been unable to stop listening to it since. I cannot fathom that he write original music for his project and that it is catchy! The first time I listened to all the songs at once I cried. In fact, I am getting a little teary now thinking about it. I just can't believe that he has the talent he does. I can't believe it.

His show was supposed to be next Tuesday. At 3 p.m. Not only do I work full time but I am also in graduate classes and of course have classes on Tuesday nights. Next Tuesday is my last class and I scrambled this week to get my final paper and presentation prepared so I could go this past Tuesday and skip the last class. I actually took off from work on Monday and Tuesday to get it done. My professor decided to actually teach for the first time all semester and only allowed one person to present. So I was going to be forced to miss my brother's senior project to attend a class I absolutely hate. I was immediately trying to scheme about how I could swing seeing my brother's show (in Allentown) and make it down to school before class ended. Finally I gave up trying to figure it out and resigned to the fact I would miss it. When I got in my car there was a voicemail message from my dad telling me that the show was postponed until after the holiday break because his lead character came down with appendicitis. I was so happy (not for the guy with the bad appendix) because I could see it.

My uncle (and my dad and his friend) will be playing the live music for this show. I spoke with my uncle the other day and he just said so matter of factly: "Your brother is so good." I just can't believe the pride I have for my brother's talents and abilities, even though we really don't get along that well and have basically little to no relationship. I wish that somehow we can work through our issues...I hope it happens. It should happen. It has to happen.

I look at my friends and the relationships they have with their siblings. It makes me sad because I have nothing even close to what they have. What did I do wrong?

Been busy

2004-12-05T07:25:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in forever, but I have been so busy with work and school that I haven't had two seconds to myself. Not that it matters because I only know of one person besides myself who reads my blog. This next two weeks is the end of the semester so I should be able to post more (Hopefully). Another major setback is that my computer is on the fritz again. I can barely load it up before it freezes. I have major viruses that store bought virus protection cannot remove so I am screwed when it comes to the internet. It doesn't stay on one webpage long enough to do anything so until I can scrap up some money ( most likely after the holidays) to get it fixed professionally, I am stuck with a p.o.s. computer. Sorry all.

Where I'm From

2004-11-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

I had to do this for a class and really enjoyed it so I figured I would share...

Where I'm From

I'm from Italy, Ireland, Poland, England, Sctland, Germany, and maybe more
From the Philly suburbs, Arcadia, and Rosemont,
A tiny complicated woman and a large simple man
From highly educated, decently educated, barely educated folks
Dog lovers and cat haters, good hearts and suspicious minds
I'm from a divided home with an open door
From a small family with big opinions and even bigger mouths
Good friends, bad friends, and no friends
I'm from tattoos, music, art, and comedy
From sarcasm and honesty, conditional and unconditional love
From underrated humor and overrated drama

I'm from mashed potatoes, Thanksgiving meals, icre cream, candy, Doritos, and anything sweet
From August birthdays, major accomplishments and small milestones, sharing communion hosts at Christmas, wearing paper crowns and sparkly tiaras
I'm from celebrating life, skirting death, flirting with disaster, and going down with a fight
New jobs, promotions, being the boss, being in love, moving forward, moving on
I'm from graduating with my mom, watching others be successful and from always pushing myself for more
Finding hope, overcoming the odds, and proving them all wrong

I'm from endless movie quotes and useless knowledge
Irritating impressions and weak obsessions
From "what hump?" and "knights who say knee!"
Laughing with sinners instead of crying with saints
From "it's my boat." and "people who speak in metaphors..."
I'm from "shoveling time!" and silly pointing pictures, "I was there." and "raaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
I'm from the Richichi School of Backup Singers
From the The Best of What's Around, I Will, You Know My Name, and Wonderful Tonight
I'm from Title IV, and fists of strength, pink ribbon unity, and belief in the power within
From growth, evolution, and empowerment of every female
I'm from losing the fear, gaining the respect, and making a difference.

Alternative Happy Hour

2004-10-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

Today a co-worker organized an alternative happy hour for the member of our office. She coordinated a party at the Village Earth Bead Market in Chestnut Hill. You go, select as many or as little beads as you want, string the beads to make a bracelet, anklet, necklace or earrings, and then the store helps you close the piece with a clasp. POOF! You have jewelry that you made yourself for roughly $20 (depending on the beads you choose) that you would easily pay over $100 for if you went to some cutesy little boutique and bought it. Even the uncreative can create here. I am living proof. I ended up making a necklace and then bought a really expensive hand blown glass bead and stringing it on a silk cord. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the process although, admittingly, I did come close to tantrumming out of sheer frustration from trying to force creativity. I am totally going back to make more stuff. My mother came with me tonight and we had such a great time that we are planning to go back soon...

Something different

2004-10-21T20:41:00.000-04:00

I was browsing through some random blogs and came across this...enjoy!

(X) been drunk
(X) vomited because of it
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) been in love.
(X) been dumped.
( ) gone streaking
(X) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) snuck out of my parent's house
(X) watched a porno
( ) made out Spiderman style
(X) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
( ) ever dated someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(X) been involved in an affair
( ) been arrested
(X) gotten a stranger's number
(X) made out with a stranger
(X) stole something from my job
( ) celebrated new years in time square
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X) been to Europe
(X) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) accidentally or purposefully shot someone with a BB gun
( ) been married-352 DAYS!
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) broken a bone
(X) received stitches
( ) been to Africa
(X) Punched a friend-just playfully...
( ) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(X) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
( ) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
(X) been in an abusive relationship-not physical abuse but psychological
( ) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college
(X) graduated college
(X ) taken painkillers
(X ) love someone or miss someone right now

-- UNIQUE --
1. Nervous Habits? shake/wiggle/jiggle legs
2. Are you double jointed? Not that I am aware of
3. Can you roll your tongue? Yep!
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? I can weakly raise my left
5. Can you blow spit bubbles? No.
6. Can you cross your eyes? Yes.
8. Piercings? Just the ears.
9. Do you make your bed daily? Yes

-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first? The closer one but mostly the right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? Yes.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry? Whatever I have. Most times it is a $20 and then it just dwindles down.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? None.
14. Favorite piece of clothing? UGG boots!

-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl mostly but sometimes I will cut just to reminisce.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? NO.
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? Two: Fruit Loops and Raisin Bran.
19. What's your favorite beverage? Water.
20. What's your favorite restaurant? Fridays for now.
21. Do you cook? Not really.

-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth? 3 times a day
23. Hair drying method? Air mostly but blow dryer when I want it straight
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? Lordy lordy...do I ever!

-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear? Does every other word count?
26. Do you ever spit? Only when it is a necessity.

-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
27. Animal? Dogs
28. Food? Mashed potatoes.
29. Month? August because of my birthday but October for the weather and colors...
30. Day? Saturday
31. Cartoon? I dunno.
32. Shoe Brand? UGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
34. Color? Purple
35. Sport? Hockey to watch...field hockey to play...I love watching most sports.
36. TV show? The Real World...Road Rules...Laguna Beach...
37. Thing to do in the spring? Think about getting skinny and tan for the summer
38. Thing to do in the summer? Wish I was skinny and tan
39. Thing to do in the fall? Think about how I didn't get skinny or tan but can start wearing sweaters
40. Thing to do in the winter? Think about how I am still not skinny or tan but wear sweaters and am lucky because my boobs look great in sweaters.

-- IN AND AROUND --
41. The CD player? Dont' laugh...Jojo
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Bill.
43. Ever taken a cab? Yes. This was a question before.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Good god...I am so vain it is alarming.
45. What color is your bedroom? Three different shades of green
46. Do you use an alarm clock? Yes.
47. Window seat or aisle? Window or aisle...it doesn't truly matter.

-- LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position? Mostly on my back because my bobs make it very uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? Sometimes a really light sheet
50. Do you snore? No, butBill said I was the other night
51. Do you sleepwalk? Nope
52. Do you talk in your sleep? All the time
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yes, a Curious George doll but I want to retire him and get a Build-A-Bear.
54. How about with the light on? No, but I can.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? Sometimes...
56. Last interesting person you met? Sarah Sullivan...a nice older woman at a wedding I went to...totally cool, common interests, teaches women's studies courses about women in sports, divorced and recently outed lesbian...AWESOME LADY!

-- WTF --
57. Weirdest place you've ever puked: In the hallway of a hottie's parent's houseall over some stuffed bunnies. RANDOM AND SHADY ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
58. Craziest place you've ever gotten freaky? In the office of my internship staring out a giant window while people watched from another building.
59. Grossest thing you've ever seen: Dunno.
60. Most disgusting thing you've ever eaten? I dunno.
61. What's that smell? I farted...HEY! I am human dammit and I must say it stinks...damn period farts.

For Crying Out Loud...

2004-10-21T20:26:00.000-04:00

FINALLY! It has taken me forever to finally realize that we have another computer here at home that I could log onto and post a blog. I have been going mind-numbingly nuts because my stupid F***ING computer is all F***ED up with a virus so that everytime I am about to create a new post, the wed page changes. It simply wouldn't allow me to post. I hate my computer and want a new one so badly that I can taste it. I want a lap top so that I can rid myself of my ugly computer desk and free up some space in the living room. But I can't justify spending the money that I need to be saving for the wedding and a house. Anyway, there are a million and a half things that I have wanted to post about since my last one and instead of being bright and writing them down, I let them flutter right out of my mind so that I have nothing to say now. I read my one friend's blog daily and she always has the best stuff to say and I feel dumb because I have great thoughts (they seem great in my head) that for whatever reason I can't articulate here. So it seems only appropriate that I blame the stupid computer for my blog-block. Stupid computer.

Reality Check

2004-10-04T22:53:00.000-04:00

"Tomorrow is never a guarantee."

Today I found out that a co-worker (and college alum) lost her mother yesterday. It was so tragic and sudden that when I heard it today, I literally screamed out loud in disbelief. Now this co-worker isn't necessarily a "friend" in the dictionary sense of the word. I went to college with her and since it was a very small school, we definitely knew each other. Then we ended up working at the same place. This past March, I became her supervisor and began working closely with her to help get her back on track with her work. Despite all this, I still have the most horrible pit in my stomach whenever I think about her recent loss. See, her mother was her best friend and pillar of support. At least once in every conversation she would make mention of her mom. She was very naive but sweet and her constant mention of her mother tended to wear thin on the nerves. And now this person who was so crucial to her life is gone. Taken. After the initial shock dissipated for me I was talking with another co-worker. When I mentioned how horribly sad this situation was, she spat out the above quote. It hit me so hard that I lost my breath. She was right on. And unfortunately it takes something like this to remind us of it. I can't imagine losing my mother, even though we don't always get along. I have been lucky enough to not experience death in anyone close to me so I wasn't really sure what to say to this co-worker when she stopped in today to pick up other people so she wouldn't have to go into her house alone. I hope hugging her was enough to let her know that I wanted to say all the right things but just couldn't think of any. It just doesn't seem fair that she lost this person who was so pivotal in her life. And it doesn't seem right that something life this is the catalyst that made me call my family and tell them I love them...

Meat Market

2004-09-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

In recapping my first venture into The Cave while on the phone with a friend tonight, I have come to realize my true calling in life. I need to be the owner/operator of a male strip club. First of all, there aren't enough of these venues around. Second of all...if anyone should be in charge of dancing man meat, it should be me. Obviously I don't assume for one second that running a club is easy, especially one like that. However, there is quite a market for it in this area...only one of its kind that I am aware of. It could mean boku bucks. Or total failure. Either way it could only possibly be fun and adventure. As I was on the phone tonight I was suddenly stuck with this idea...I MUST see this through once I clear a little off my plate. And me being totally ass-backwards with stuff like this...don't think about the logistics of actually doing it, but instead brainstorm about possible names for this place. It has to be catchy...appropriate...a play on words perhaps. Any suggestions?

hmmmm

2004-09-28T08:23:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get a calm feeling? A relaxed, go-with-the-flow kind of feeling? I don't get it very often...I am what you would call a worrier. My professor would diagnose it as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I think about everything all the time. My mind seems to go a mile a minute. But that is where it stops. I typically don't act upon my thoughts. For example, I think about my fatness all the freaking time. I even make a resolution in my mind that today is the last day of eating like the food on earth will soon run out. And yet and each and every meal I dole out decent portion sizes and consume everything on my plate. I have read the Curves book. I have read the South Beach book. I am an ex-member of LA Weight Loss. I have my Tae Bo tapes, my Pilates tapes and my Look Great Naked tapes. But I continue to let them gather dust. I watch info-mercials and think "OOOO! Now THAT is exactly what I need to jump start my new fitness program!" I need The Firm. I need the Core Secrets therapy ball. I even need to the new thing I saw...some Kitame Bar thingamajig. But I continue to not do anything. I really thought that getting engaged would do the trick. It would focus me on wanting to take care of myself. My one friend's husband saw their wedding pictures and changed his life...he was mortified by his weight and decided to change his eating habits...and is now over 50 pounds lighter wishing that he could take the pictures over again. I don't want that for myself. I don't want to look at me in my wedding gown and hate what I see. I am so sad about my weight that I mask it with jokes about eating disorders. I secretly wish that I had the motivation to be anorexic or bulemic. I don't want those issues, but at least they are proactive about their body image. I just mope and whine and complain...and in turn, drive everyone close to me absolutely bonkers. I wish I could blame my genetics...my family is a bunch of undisciplined fatties. I wish I could blame my financial situation. I wish it would al just stop. I have just over one year until my wedding and I can't say that I will truly be happy because I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I can't continue on this emotional and psychological roller coaster anymore. I need to stop thinking and just do. But I don't know if I can. And the fear of giving up the things I love to eat is what holds me back. All these diets/nutrition plans/lifestyle changes require completely revamping my eating habits. Living here at home with my dad makes this very complicated...although he has been trying to eat better as well. Why can't I just do this???

damn it!

2004-09-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

Truly one of the highlights to my lame days is reading my friend's blog. I depend upon it...My blogs suck ass. They say nothing interesting. Hers do. Yet she neglects to update hers for days now! Quite frankly I think it is ridiculous to deprive an addict of their fix...damn it!

I did it...

2004-09-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

and my back thinks I have gone too far! My back is getting more and more sore as I sit and relax (recoop is more like it!) from playing basketball tonight. It is the first time since March 2000 that I played a game of hoops. And it was perfect timing. Not only did I play for the first time in ages, but I got to play with the ladies that make playing fun. It was a reunion of several players from my college team and it was actually fun! I am in some seriously bad shape, but hopefully this will jump start me into taking better care of myself. I couldn't have bought a shot if I tried...but I will eventually make one. When I left college, I was so sick of basketball that I wouldn't even watch it on TV. I was asked every year since I graduated to play in a league like this one I am in now and declined because I "hated" the sport. Playing it so much for so many reasons for so many people made it suck ass. It wasn't fun. It was a burden and a chore I couldn't wait to be done with. And now it is fun again because it doesn't matter. It doesn't count for anything other than a good time and a brief workout. Oh, and some quality time with some great friends.

My friend

2004-09-21T20:18:00.000-04:00

I have this friend who is contemplating moving to another state. She has been weighing this option for quite some time and the more people discourage her, the more I know she will be likely to go. Now I love this friend dearly and would be truly sad if she moved...but I would also be cognizant enough to realize that the move isn't about me. It is about her need to take control over her life the most definitive way she can handle. Yes, I would miss her terribly. But there are phones and emails. Yes, I would be bummed to not attend her frequent parties or hang out with her or even play basketball with her. But it isn't like I will never see her again or that we won't visit with each other. Yes, our time spent together would be minimal. But I know that the time we would spend together would be even sweeter due to the distance. See, this friend of mine is the type of person that will do whatever it takes to prove people wrong about her...especially when it comes to proving certain people wrong. So I am going to keep my mouth shut on whether or not I think she should move. I am going to keep my opinions on the reasons for her potential move to myself. And I am even going to hold back expressing how much her move will impact me. Because it isn't about me. It isn't about her family and it isn't about her friends. It is about her and it is damn time someone support her for putting herself first for once. Always with ya, Sister Soul!

Spectrum of events

2004-09-19T14:47:00.000-04:00

Isn't it amazing what one can do in one day? The vast range of activities available can be astounding. Take yesterday for example. I went and had a fantabulous massage at Antoinette's in Paoli. Highly recommend it...it is wonderful there. After I woke up (yes, I fell asleep) my mom and I grabbed a quick meal and treated ourselves to Cold Stone Creamery ice cream. It was my first experience there...I had the Strawberry Shortcake Serenade...mmmmmmmmmm! I then realized I had a voicemail message from when I was getting my massage...it was my two friends calling to tell me that our other friend delivered her baby girl!!!!!! YAY! I then went home and had to quickly get ready to go out for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I then drove to South Philly to pick up my other friend and we got dropped off at the Cave to meet the rest of the ladies gallavanting around that night. After a while, they got there and we proceeded to have a good time dancing and watching fine specimens of the men dance around and take off their clothes. Despite it being very expensive it was fun. And funny. I can't explain it really. But I laughed the entire time I was there. We then hopped on their bus and headed for Poly Esther's and spent some time there. By this time my feet were killing me...because I never learn and wear uncomfortable shoes for the sake of fashion. Unfortunately, we went upstairs to the 3rd floor and the smoke machine was really getting to me. My friend and I decided to leave. We hailed a cab to go back to South Philly. I then dropped her off at the pub where her boyfriend was and headed all the way home. I was doing fine until about 3 miles from my house when I started to drift off to sleep. NOT GOOD. Luckily I made it home in one piece without killing anyone else either. Washed face, brushed teeth and climbed into bed. All in all, it was a very busy day with me driving all over the place, but I did so much in one day I can't help but smile. I think I have finally emerged from my hermit state.

NKOTB

2004-09-17T20:50:00.000-04:00

...didn't reunite on VH1's Bands Reunited. Boo. I have a song for that:
Every party has a pooper
That why we invited you
Party Pooper!
Pooper Scooper!

Anyway, the Knight brothers (Jordan and Jonathan) agreed to perform but Danny (the ugly one), Donny (the wannabe badass), and my favorite Joey...all declined. What the hell is up with that???? I have to sit through lame ass bands that I have never heard while they reunite and play their lame ass songs and New Kids on the Block couldn't sum up the balls to reunite for one night of blissful pop songs? So disappointed.

Green Apple Water Ice

2004-09-12T18:04:00.000-04:00

This flavor is now my favorite Rita's Water Ice. So yummy...I went and bought two quarts of it since water ice season is about to expire. I figured that it was a better snack than cookies or ice cream. Can't talk now...I need to refresh my memory of the Curves meal plan. I ordered my bridal gown and need to seriously do something about my back fat. Hopefully the basketball league I joined with some friends will lend to that as well...More details later this week...

Sucky Suky and Perfect Priscilla

2004-09-04T18:51:00.000-04:00

Today I began the adventure of bridal gown shopping. I had made an appointment at the very prestigious Suky Rosan bridal salon and anticipated being pampered and falling head over heels for a stunning Vera Wang dress way out of mom's price range. I anticipated a special bonding moment between me and my mom as I walked out of the dressing room and tears of pride and happiness spilled down her face as she reminisced about her Suky Rosan bridal experience and thrilled that her daughter had too chosen to follow the tradition of getting the gown from Suky...maybe her granddaughter would as well. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned. For some strange reason, the experience was not as expected. Instead of the cheery and helpful attitude, the first question asked was not about the type of dress style I liked best, but how much I would be willing to pay. When my mom answered with the amount she planned to spend...it felt that we were written off right then and there. The sales associate walked us through the dresses on display and prompted us to select dresses of interest. Surprisingly, the dresses on display (even the Vera Wang) were dingy, stained, ripped, torn, or had beading falling off. None were in protective plastic bags so each one was a tinted brown with age. After selecting a handful of dresses the sales associate then (in a somewhat unpleasant tone) asked if I needed a bra or shoes by first asking, then quickly following with a "I guess I could find you something if you really need them." I felt my anxiety beginning to rise, as two other thin and trim brides spilled out of their dressing rooms looking beautiful in each gown. I went into the dressing room and started to get upset and disappointed that my experience was not turning out as I had thought. I started trying dresses on and refused to leave the dressing room. Each dress amplified my flaws...sending me into a panic attack. I couldn't possibly face strangers with everything that was wrong with me exposed for all to see. Finally after much coaxing, I went out and wanted to crawl out of my skin as my back fat dribbled over the completely opened backs, my tattoo screaming out that I didn't belong, and my underwear waving to all the other customers. I started to well up with tears and I could see in my mom's eyes that she understood it wasn't me being a difficult brat, but that I was truly unhappy and wanted desperately to leave. The the only dress I remotely liked there cost $5200. Just the dress. No vail, no undergarments, no shoes, no nothing. The best part of the entire thing is that the sales associate took at least 4 phone calls, each lasting 15-20 minutes. Obviously, we were not important enough potential clients to focus her attention solely on us. Every other bride there was being drowned in attention from their staff. We left and I completley lost it in the car. My mom floundered trying to calm me down. She too was horribly disappointed in the experience. I called information to get the phone number for Priscilla of Boston. I called and was thrilled that they were willing to make an appointment for today after lunch. The minute we walked in the door, I could feel that it would be a different experience. They were courteous, polite, kind and immediately asked about a bra and shoes. They would be placed in my fitting room. The sales associate, Paulette, came out and got us started after a few questions. She explained that 5-6 dresses would be the typical amount done during consults and that she would also select a dress she felt would be a great fit for me. We searched through their protected dresses and picked out 5. The first one on was perfect. I felt it. I could see my mom felt it. I knew it was perfect because while I was in it, I didn't notice one single flaw on myself. Paulette asked about veils. I told her that I wasn't sure I would wear one, but if I did, it would be a minimal thing way back on my head. She asked me to trust her as she retrieved the matching veil for my gown. I had to catch my breathe as she placed it on my head. There would be no doubt in my mind that I would need this fingertip waterfall veil if I would have this dress. It was the complete package. Reluctantly, I tried on the other dresses, which I liked as well. However, I kept going back to the first dress. We put it back on and decided that it was IT. I actually was smiling and laughing, my mom tearing up and smiling too. Paulette remained with me the whole time, catering to me, sizing up what worked for me; she listened. She somehow knew how to make me feel beautiful in the dresses. She wanted me to feel happy and confident in my decision. She was amazing. Comparing the two experiences is like comparing night and day. The reputation of Suky was completely defiled by my experience. The great part is that even though my mom got her dress at Suky, it was a Priscilla of Boston gown (at that time, they did not have their own salon). I am not a very traditional person and have been trying very hard to not follow the typical wedding traditions. Today I was able to feel sheer content about maintaining this particular tradition all thanks to my perfect Priscilla.

Officially the best month at work

2004-08-31T19:56:00.000-04:00

Today confirmed that this month was officially the best month ever at my place of work. Today, our crabby old secretary gave her two weeks notice. She will be moving into another department in our same building, but she will no longer be a part of our office and no longer be a part of the annoyances at work. She was the type of old lady that smoked so many cigarettes that she actually looked like one. She had the primary responsibility of answering the phones and somehow after her seemingly unending years of experience, was never able to get a message, name, or number correct. She answered the phone with such a horribly sounding raspy voice, that people began avoiding calling during typical work hours in the hopes that they would not have to hear her on the other end of their receiver. She was gossipy and nasty in her attitude. She knew it all, knew it the best, and knew you were a common fool because you didn't have any life experience that she had. She caused multiple problems with personal situations and interfered in confidential work situations. She was combative and confrontational and nobody wanted to deal with her. Best of all, she was just plain rude, condescending, and pissy. In the end, all of that doesn't matter because in two weeks, she will be out of my hair, out of my responsibility range, and out of our office! With her leaving and another employee leaving combined with our other assistant supervisor finally completing his necessary paperwork to start working in our office, August 2004 has officially become the best month ever. Now if I could only get one more pain-in-the ass employee, one mental health employee, and one office director and clerical supervisor in dire need of retirement to head on out...:)

School days, school days...

2004-08-29T19:54:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that this week brings September! I hate not being an undergrad college student...having to be an adult and work full time, really makes the summers fly by. Classes start this week for my graduate fall semester and I am pretty psyched about my two classes. Mental Health/Mental Illness and Introduction to School Counseling. I am hoping that they are awesome and not too too much work. Because while the semester starts this week, I also have my full-time job and wedding to deal with. This week we are meeting with the florist so that should be pretty cool. I am exicted because once I decided that the girls would wear black, I knew that the flowers could be beautifully vibrant! We are STILL trying to find a DJ. The company doing his sister's wedding sent us information and a dvd to watch. We watched it, I had my parents watch and all of us have some sort of feeling about them. There were a ton of people dancing, but mostly young people and contrary to the dvd, not just young people will be at our wedding. Tomorrow my mom is going to try to find other DJ's too. Ugh...I just wish this DJ business was done with...The other big wedding news is that this Saturday, I am finally going dress shopping. I made an appointment at Suky Rosan in Ardmore and am actually looking forward to it, despite my fatness. Suky's is where my mom got her wedding gown from when she first opened her store back in the early 70's so it is a nice tradition. I am just hoping that I find a gown that is not too outrageous in cost, especially because my mom offerred to pay and I don't want to screw her. Although, whenever proms came around, she always caved and bought me the dresses we both fell in love with so I am kinda deep down wishing that will happen too. Anyway, I finally decided on what to do about my honor attendant situation and asked my one friend to be the matron of honor and my other friend to be my maid of honor. That leaves one friend and his sister to be my bridesmaids (though both will married by the time our wedding roles around, so are they my bridesmatrons????) I am really happy with my decision to have my two closest friends as my honor attendants and have the utmost confidence in them to help me through the tortuous hell that is wedding planning. The other upcoming event this week is that I am taking a co-worker (employee, really, if you want to get technical) to have a MAC makeover on Tuesday. We both made an appointment the other day because it wouldn't be complete if I didn't get my makeup done too! Plus I am hoping that it will help me pick an artist to do my makeup for the wedding since Trina left and Shionon will be just as likely to move by the time the wedding is here. Anyway, updates to come this week!

Everybody but me...

2004-08-25T21:40:00.000-04:00

...gets to have everything they want. Everyone else gets the things in life that are supposed to be had by this point in our lives. Everyone I know who has gotten married recently has somehow made it work for them, despite the cost. Everyone else scrounged up the dough to cover the wedding of their dreams...and buy a house. Everyone but me. Not me. I get engaged and realize that the very last thing I feel like doing is planning a wedding. I get engaged and have to wait over two years to have my ceremony because the month I want to get married in is already taken by his sister. I find the reception place of my dreams only to find out that I truly can't afford it. I find the photographer to die for and his prices could kill me. I pick a bridal boutique that to walk in the door basically costs $1800. All the wedding crap aside, the one thing I truly want is my own house. Everyone else got to buy a home the same year they got married. They somehow made it work. Not me. I face poverty and a resistant fiancee claiming that the only time we can afford a house is within a 5 year time period. 5 years! 5 years of our marriage down the stinking tubes because "we" just can't afford it right now. 5 years of living with my blind, crippled father in a house barely taken care of out of lack of motivation with the even more frightening thought of living with my unemployed actor of a brother for the next 5 years and having to deal with all the freaking "drama" that surrounds a theater major scared of big cities. 5 years of looking at my mother's $300,000 townhome built from the ground up and wondering why the fuck she would do that the same year her only daughter got engaged. And the most horrifying thought of all: 5 years of no physical contact...no sex...no intimacy because my fiance (and by that point husband) is "scared" to touch me while in my father's home (when he is home) for fear of disrespect. We are engaged to be married, share a bed and he won't have sex with me when my father is home. HE IS GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND...are you picking up on this? SCARED TO TOUCH ME. I cannot face 5 years of that potential hell. I cannot face the fact that everyone else made it happen for themselves and me and doubting thomas can't make it happen. I cannot face my reflection knowing that deep down some days I wish he was rich. Or I was rich. Or my parents were. I cannot face the first 5 years of my marriage going without intimacy with my own husband. That is supposed to be the last 5 years of your marriage. You are probably thinking that I am conplaining too much and doing too much comparing of my life to others. You know how the saying goes..."If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" My answer: I wish I could pour cement into my shoes and catapault myself to a watery grave. The water could just rinse away all the envy...like a ritual baptism. Only ending in my lungs filling with water and causing me to lose the ability to breathe air and eventually lose consciousness and just give in to the bright light...where my own dream house waits for me.

Pittsburgh

2004-08-22T19:30:00.000-04:00

I was in Pittsburgh this weekend to attend the wedding of a friend of my fiance's. The wedding was very nice...Pittsburgh on the other hand...sucks. Sorry to say it, don't mean to offend anyone...but it is true. Now I am a suburb girl through and through, so I can't truly claim to be a Philly girl...but I am close enough to proclaim that Philly outdoes Pittsburgh in every arena. It was so blah. And gray...and blah. Every place we had to go for thiswedding weekend, we got lost. I know it is easy to point the finger at us because we are from out of town, but it was not our fault. We followed our directions to the "t" and still ended up lost going to every event. Nothing is clearly marked, there are all sorts of detours due to road construction, and barely noticeable street signs. All that aside, I did have a nice time and met some pretty cool people who have similar interests to me...which was a total shock in which I was unprepared. It was a pleasant surprise. Now I must go to bed and get some rest from our 4 1/2 hour drive today since I was dumb and didn't take off of work tomorrow.

UGGs...again

2004-08-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received an email from Victoria's Secret confirming their receipt of my tall size 7 sand colored UGGs. Whew! Size 6 should be processed and on its way...WRONG. Scrolling down the rest of the email revealed that this order was cancelled because it was no longer available. Gasping in horror and disbelief, I quickly pulled up the web site to find that there was no mention, picture, nothing pointing to the existence of these boots on their web site. How bizarre. I was not really disappointed because I didn't need three damn pairs of these shoes and shouldn't have spent the money anyway. Plus the tall boots were a bit snug on my fat calves so a size smaller couldn't have been good. Today I had to face facts and exchange my size 7 sand colored UGGs for a size 6. Luckily, these were a gift from my mom for my birthday so I didn't have to worry about any money being spent on another pair of these boots. I boxed them up and dropped them off to the post office after calling Nordstrom's (I might as well have their number on redial at this point) and exchanging the sizes. The size 6's were backordered until October but I am trying to think positive that these babies will be available within the next few weeks. Especially because every stinking store now has fake UGGs...Target, Strawbridges, Limited Too, you name it! With this availability, people should be willing to give up their orders of the name brand and go with the affordable brands that present the exact same look...I can't imagine that people are as label loyal as me when it comes to these shoes...it is the look, people, not the name! Give up so I can get my UGGs! When I got home from work I finally waterproofed my size 6 pink UGGs and am now watching them dry...within the next 24 hours I could wear these boots of of my house if I so desired!

Bye bye bye

2004-08-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

Effective March 1st this year, I became a supervisor in my office. My first assignment was to work closely with a co-worker who was struggling. To be honest, I didn't particularly like this individual when I was her peer, so I knew this would be a challenge. Anyone who knows me, knows that I in no way discriminate against anyone. That being said, this individual was from Nigeria, spoke very poor English, and had such an attitude problem...to top it off, she never said thank you when I provided her with help. So I stopped helping her. As time passed, everyone began to realize that she had poor relationships with her families because of her communication issues and that she never did any work yet seemed to accrue massive amounts of comp time. Once I became a supervisor and had to work with her individually, it became more apparent that I disliked her. Things progressively got worse as her relationship with our director deteriorated and her work production stopped. I had to document every conversation with her, meet with her twice per week, and implement a work plan to set up eventual termination. Months have now passed and no progress has been made. No change in her motivation. No change in her attitude. I was falling behind in the documentation of our meetings, reviews, and conversations...I was tired of having to devote all this time to someone who didn't give a shit. Then there was light at the end of the tunnel. We got a phone call for a reference on her yesterday...The director spoke to the person today and the person revealed that they already offerred her the position. We patiently waited for the person to actually say something because tomorrow we were supposed to implement the next phase of her work plan. FINALLY...she came in to my office and told me that she handed in her resignation! I was so so excited that I could barely contain myself. Later in the day I found out that her last day was basically today due to all the personal time she had available...WHAT A FANTASTIC DAY!

The UGG drama continues

2004-08-10T21:02:00.000-04:00

Today I got the size 6 pink UGG's in the mail and put them on. To my horror...they did fit better than the size 7's. So I boxed up the 7's and will mail them back tomorrow so that another UGG fan can experience the pure joy that these boots behold. I also now have to return my sand colored size 7's so that I can have the size 6. OY VEY...it seems to be a never-ending saga. But the good part is that I finally have ONE PAIR of these boots...!!!!!!!!!

Old friends

2004-08-09T18:07:00.000-04:00

Late last night, I talked on the phone for hours with a old friend of mine. We hadn't spoken individually in quite some time due to numerous reasons. And despite my giant fears, there wasn't a bit of awkwardness. Not when we first began conversing. Not when I asked her to be an attendant in my wedding. Not when I told her I would understand if she didn't want to be in my wedding. Not even she told me that she understood if I decided to choose our other friends as my maid/matron of honor. I hung up the phone flabbergasted that regardless of how much time had expired...it was like none had passed at all. That is the truly amazing thing about REAL friends. Days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years can pass and when it is important, they are there. I am only one of two children in my family and my extended family is very small as well. I don't have a sister and yet my friends fill that void in my life. It is amazing to me, that things pick up right where they left off and not one of us think twice. I am so lucky when it comes to my friends...I can't imagine how I would have turned out if they weren't in my life. I love you guys!!!